Fun Page

27 December

A Lasting Marriage

My wife and I have found the secret to making a marriage last:

• Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays.

• We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney, and mine is in Brisbane.

• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

• I asked my wife what she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said, "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time." So I suggested the kitchen.

• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

• She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought here an electric chair.

• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know that her first name was Always.

• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

• The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on TV?" ... I said, "Dust!"

• In the beginning, God created Earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Did you know:

• It is impossible to lick the outside of your own elbow. (Try it! But not where other people can see you!)

• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

• Coca-Cola was originally green.

• 23% of all photocopier faults world-wide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their posteriors.

• In every episode of Seinfeld, there is a Superman somewhere.

• If the US government has no knowledge of extra-terrestrial beings, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on 16 July 1969, make it illegal for US citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials and their vehicles?

• Wearing headphones for just one hour will increase the number of bacteria in your ear 700 times.

• More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. (Aren't they lucky!?)

• The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the hardest tongue twister in the English language. (Do they have tongue twisters in other languages?)

• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person dies in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. (And if the horse has three legs in the air?)

• In 1879, a mail service in Belgium employed 37 cats to carry bundles of letters to villages around the town of Liege. This experiment was short-lived, as the cats proved to be thoroughly undisciplined. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. (Ever heard of "herding cats?)

• The greatest recorded number of children that have been borne by one mother is 69! The poor lass gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and a measly 4 sets of quadruplets. Even in the days before IVF!!

No claim is made about the veracity of the above statements.

If you like railroad cartoons, go to the Toy Trunk Railroad website. They have hundreds of cartoon strips - you can annoy your family for hours!!

Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing
each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"

These days, people say "Season's Greetings," which, when you think about it, means nothing. It's like walking up to somebody and saying "Appropriate Remark" in a loud, cheerful voice. But "Season's Greetings" is safer,
because it does not refer to any actual religion. Some day, I imagine, even "Season's Greetings" will be considered too religious, and we'll celebrate the Holiday Season by saying "Have a nice day."

Some of you may be unhappy with this dereligionizing of the Holiday Season, and you may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing
cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The government would have to intervene: It would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money and go to a mall.

Unless you live in Outer Mongolia, there should be several malls within five miles of your home. It makes no difference whatsoever which one you go to: Under federal law, all malls in the United States must have the same 42 chain stores. You have your chain bookstores, your chain clothing stores, your chain shoe stores, your chain restrooms, your chain electronic-game arcades.

The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are
also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but - here is the big difference - in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots.

So when you get to the mall for your holiday shopping, the first thing to remember is that you should not park in the parking lot and walk to the mall buildings, because you will probably get killed. Instead, drive your car right up to and, if possible, right into, the mall building. This is perfectly legal; people do it all the time. In almost every mall I've ever been to, the corridors were littered with cars, recreational vehicles, snowmobiles and motorboats left by smart parkers.

Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.

Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop quickly.

Here is a very efficient shopping method: Divide the amount of money you have by the number of people on your gift list to get an average dollar amount per person. So if you have $160, and you want to buy gifts for 10 people, your average is $16 per person. Now find something that costs $16, and buy 10 of whatever it is. You'll find many useful gifts in this price range; for example, you could get 10 family-sized bottles of vitamin B.
Everyone, young and old alike, can use vitamin B, and your children are sure to shriek with delight when they find it under the tree.

If you want to buy gifts that are a little more personal, you should follow these guidelines:

Gifts for Men
Men are amused by almost any idiot thing - that is why professional ice hockey is so popular - so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the
other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.

Gifts for Women
Again, you should avoid buying clothes, but not because women don't like clothes. The problem is sizes. First of all, women's clothing sizes don't mean anything. Suppose you're looking at a dress, and the tag says it's a
size 14. You could measure that dress with every known measuring instrument, checking for every known unit of measurement, and you would never find any dimension that was 14 anythings long. Not only that, but you would never find any dimension that corresponded to the same dimension on any other size-14 dress. Not only that, but chances are you would never find any woman in the entire world who would admit to being a size 14.

Another problem is color. Women do not see color the way men do. Suppose several women are in a paint store, looking at a sample of orange paint. The paint-can label may say "orange," and the paint may appear obviously orange to a male, but the women will never use the word "orange" to describe it. They will say things like: "It has a lot of blue" or "It's much too grey." Don't ask me to explain it. All I know is, if a woman tells a man she'd like a green scarf for Christmas, he'll go out and buy a scarf that he believes to be green, based on his concept of "green," which he got from crayons in the second grade. She will look at the scarf as if it were covered with maggots, then show it to her friends and say: "I asked Harold for a green scarf, and just look at what he got me." They'll all have a good laugh, and she'll return it.

So the safest gifts for women are expensive little bottles of colorless liquids, which are sold at cosmetic counters under names such as "Eau de Water".

Polar bears like Christmas trees, too!!

Dilbert's 25 Rules of Order
 

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?

8. My reality check bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

23. Following the rules will not get the job done.

24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

25. Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.

sent in by Claude (ID# 23)

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
















Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus, and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling ...






















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Men Keep scrolling ...




















By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck, so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

My grandfather, a delightful old man but with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the chick by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

Kid stories

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without hesitation, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to the others on her brunette head. The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or be unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."


6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "cause your feet aren't empty."


7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

(Intelvet, ID#260)

His response was "Sure, I can see the blackboard just fine...I just can't always read what was on it."

(Mr Fred)

Ways to Annoy Your Co-Workers

• Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

• Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

• Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."

• Send email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

• Highlight your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge. (If you don't know about the old Palmolive TV ads, this won't mean a thing to you! Sorry!)

• Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

• Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

• Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

• Send email back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

• Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

• Pretend to have an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

• Send email messages saying there is free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that.

• Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

8 December

How To Shower Like A Woman 

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to whites and coloureds.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

3. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

4. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror; make a mental note to do more sit-ups.

5. Get in the shower.

6. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

7. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on.

8. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Shave armpits and legs.

11. Rinse out hair conditioner.

12. Turn off shower, squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with exit mould.

13. Get out of shower and wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.

14. Return to bedroom wearing a long dressing gown and towel on head.

15. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like A Man  

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

2. Leave clothes in a pile on the floor.

3. Walk naked to the bathroom.

4. If you see your wife along the way, shake "your little friend" at her, making woo-hoo sounds.

5. Look at manly physique in the mirror.

6. Admire size of "your little friend" and scratch your ass.

7. Get into the shower.

8. Wash your face.

9. Wash armpits.

10. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

11. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding areas.

12. Shampoo hair.

13. Make shampoo Mohawk.

14. Pee.

15. Rinse off and get out of shower.

16. Partially dry off.

17. Fail to notice water on the floor.

18. Admire the size of "your little friend" in mirror again.

19. Leave shower door open, wet mat on the floor, light and fan on.

20. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

21. If you pass your wife, pull off towel and shake "your little friend" at her, and make woo-hoo sounds again.

22. Throw wet towel on bed.

Do you have this menu in your copy of MSWord?

Dilbert's 25 Rules of Order

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?

8. My reality check bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

16. Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

23. Following the rules will not get the job done.

24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

25. Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.

Claude (ID# 23)

3 December

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
- a Queensland Legend!!!

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on and then off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breath-analyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy".

True story.

After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

The Mother-In-Law

A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to take his family (including his mother-in-law) to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

While on vacation his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel-Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000.00, or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for $500 U.S. The man says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense, and we can do a very nice burial here"

The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a man here, and three days later he rose from the dead...I just can't take that chance!

Oz Girls are Tops

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives their lists of duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and she had a huge dinner ready on the table for him.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Got to love them Aussie girls! (Just don't tell my wife!)

AUTO REPAIRS AT HOME

A blonde leaves her car outside during some bad weather and comes out the next day to find that it had hailed and she had small depressions all over her car.  She takes her car to the garage for the mechanic to look at, and he tells her "Those aren't bad, all you need to do is take your car home and blow on the exhaust pipe and they'll pop right out".  She thanks the mechanic and is feeling pretty good about having saved some money.

Upon arrival at home, she parks her car in the driveway and begins blowing on the exhaust pipe.  Her girlfriend (another blonde) shows up, walks up the driveway, watches for a minute, and asks her "What are you doing?".

The first one replies that she had all the dents on her car and was doing what the mechanic had told her to do.

The second one shakes her head and exclaims "You idiot, you'll never get those out that way...you left the windows down!"

Jim (#260)

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that the French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.
We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said...."Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

25 Signs You've Grown Up
 

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Dan (ID# 10)

COMPUTER TERMS FOR REDNECKS

BACKUP: What you do when you run over a skunk in the woods.

BAR CODE: Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.

BUG: The reason you give for calling in sick.

BYTE: What your pitbull dun to cuzin Jethro.

CACHE: Needed when you run out of food stamps.

CHIP: Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

COMPUTER TERMINAL: Time to call the undertaker.

CRASH: When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

DIGITAL: The art of counting on your fingers.

DISKETTE: A female Disco dancer.

FAX: What you lie about to the IRS.

HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.

INTERNET: Where cafeteria workers keep their hair.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

MAC: Big Bubba's favourite fast food.

MEGAHERTZ: How your head feels after 17 beers.

MODEM: What ya duid when the grass got too high.

MOUSE PAD: Where Mickey and Minnie live.

NETWORK: Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

ONLINE: Where you stay when taking the sobriety test.

ROM: Where the pope lives.

SCREEN: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

SERIAL PORT: A red wine you drink with breakfast.

SUPERCONDUCTOR: Amtrak's Employee of the Year.

SCSI: What you call your week-old underwear.

The Train Trip

Three Americans and three French Tourists are travelling by train to a baseball game. At the station, the three Frenchmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Americans buy only a single ticket.

" 'Ow are the t'ree of you people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Frenchman.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an American.

They all board the train. The French guys take their respective seats, but all three Americans cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please!"

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on. The Frenchmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Americans on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Americans don't buy a ticket at all!

" 'Ow are you going to travel wit'out a ticket?" asks one perplexed Frenchman.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an American.

When they board the train the three French guys cram into a bathroom and the three Americans cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Americans leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the French guys are hiding, knocks on the door, and says,

"Ticket, please!"

23 November

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, honey, it's because you're 24."

I Can't Believe We Made It!

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's, probably shouldn't have survived.

• Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

• We had no childproof lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

• Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking ....

• As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

• We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

• We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

• We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

• We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

• We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones.

• We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, videotape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

• We had friends! We went outside and found them.

• We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us.

• We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

• We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out any eyes.

• We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

• Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

• Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

• Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

• Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

• The idea of parents bailing us out if we got in trouble in school or broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the school or the law.

• This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors, ever.

• We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility - and we learned how to deal with it.

And you're one of them! Congratulations!

Claude (ID# 23)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note ... These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us b*tching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was in the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Peanuts are as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

They should have taken the train!

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle, where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop...

And she said....



(This is good...)



(Ready?)



(Remember, she's a blonde...)



"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

At a certain Australian (Melbourne) University, there were four students taking Psychology. They did so well on all the essays, tests and lab pracs, that each had a High Distinction average so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before their exam, they decided to go to Sydney and rage with some friends there. They had an enormous time. However, after all the hard partying they slept all day Sunday, and in the end, they didn't make it back to Melbourne until early Monday morning.... the morning of their final exam.

Rather than risk taking the final exam with a hangover, they decided to find their lecturer after the exam and give her a plausible explanation as to why they missed it. They all told her that they had gone to Sydney for the weekend to do some psychology research at the renowned university archives with the plan to come back in time to study for the exam itself. Unfortunately, they'd had a flat tyre on the way back and did not own a spare, such was their poverty. As a result, they'd stood around staring ruefully at the tyre until the road service arrived. The delay was so extended that they'd only this moment arrived back!

The lecturer requested time to think this over, and eventually agreed that they could sit their final exam the following day. The four were elated, relieved, and a little amused at the gullibility of their lecturer.

They studied hard that night - all night, in fact - and went in the next day at the time the lecturer had indicated. She placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

The first short answer problem was assigned five marks. It was a simple question about the philosophy behind Humanism.

"Cool," they all thought in their separate rooms, "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page:








Question 2 (for 95 marks): Which tyre????

Kid stories

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.  The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I'll ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."


2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy father and thy mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without hesitation, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to the others on her brunette head. The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or be unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."


6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'Cause your feet aren't empty."


7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Jim (ID# 260)

A plane is on its way to Melbourne, when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She looks at it and then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy, and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne, and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her correct seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that, because she only paid for economy, she is only entitled to an economy seat, and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne, and I'm staying right here!"

Exasperated, the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use, and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied, " I told her that First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

Rick (ID# 42)

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