Fun Page #1 for 2005

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2004 #1

Dilbert's 25 Rules of Order

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself: where the hell is the ceiling?

8. My reality check bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

16. Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

23. Following the rules will not get the job done.

24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

25. Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

recycler (ID# 83, Bill Long)

Diary from the North of Western Australia

Nov 30 - Just moved to Port Hedland. Now this is a place that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

Dec 14 - Really heating up. Got to 36 (Celsius) today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

Dec 30 - Had the backyard landscaped with easy-care plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

Jan 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 36 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it's not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

Jan 15 - Fell asleep by the pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work; what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the old sun in a climate like this.

Jan 20th
I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By
the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the
size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of
leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like
Kit E Kat and s**t. No more pets in this heat!

Jan 25th
Dry heat, my arse. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the
blink, and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he
needed to order parts.


Jan 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Fifteen hundred
dollars in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever
come here?

Feb 4th
Forty degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500
and gets the temperature down to about 30. Stupid repairman pissed in my
pool. I hate this state.

Feb 8th
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear
his throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator
is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted
Garfield!

Feb 10th
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's
been too hot to screw for two damn months and the weatherman says it might
really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren desert? Water
rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just
dried up and blew into the ruddy pool. Even a cactus can't live in
this heat.

Feb 14th
Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 44 today. Forgot to crack the window
and blew the damn windscreen out of the Statesman. The installer came to
fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the
$1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Feb 30th
Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The
monsoon rains finally came and all they did is make it muggier
than hell. The Statesman is now floating somewhere in the Indian Ocean with
its new $500 windscreen. That does it, we're moving back to Victoria for
some peace and quiet.

UKBill

Sign on office wall

Another month ends.

All targets met.

All systems working.

All customers satisfied.

All staff eager and enthusiastic.

All pigs fed and ready to fly!!

Here are real classified ads that didn't quite work!

1. Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

2. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

3. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

4. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

5. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

6. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

7. Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of children.

8. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

9. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

10. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

11. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

12. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

13. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

14. For Sale - Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

15. Guy holding a 'Looking for Work' sign that read: Man, honest. Will take anything.

16. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

17. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

18. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

19. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

20. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

21. Sign in a cosmetician's shop window: Complete skin, nail, and hair removal service.

Rich Wade

• Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

• Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, an ice- hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

• Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the tepid water.

• Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion, as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney. Cats are gullible that way!)

• Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single fluent motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have just begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life! Cats have no handles when wet. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defences and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least, now he smells a lot better.

Things you wish you could say at work...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with, once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer, if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

mepstein (ID# 229, malcolm)

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.

The downtown luxury apartment was in his name, and he wanted to remain there with his new love, so he asked the wife to move out, and he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned &
mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home.

...including the curtain rods.

8 January

I Can't Believe We Made It!

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's, probably shouldn't have survived.

• Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

• We had no childproof lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

• Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking ....

• As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

• We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

• We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

• We shared one soft drink with four friends, from the one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

• We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

• We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones.

• We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, videotape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or internet chat rooms.

• We had friends! We went outside and found them.

• We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us.

• We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

• We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out any eyes.

• We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

• Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

• Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

• Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

• Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

• The idea of parents bailing us out if we got in trouble in school or broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the school or the law.

• This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors, ever.

• We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility --- and we learned how to deal with it.
  
  And you're one of them!
  
  Congratulations!

Claude (ID# 23)

Notice to all NERR employees:

Effective immediately, all employees are instructed to use only those cooking appliances approved by NERR management when preparing food and beverages in NERR locos and rolling stock. The picture below is evidence that the use of non-approved food and beverage preparation appliances, such as open fireplaces and barbecues, can cause severe damage to NERR property. Employees can submit requests for approval, together with fresh samples (real, not virtual) of the product that they wish to prepare, to NERR management.

My Family Tree

Many, many years ago
When I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red;
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life -
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad,
And so became my uncle,
'Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run,
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mom,
And it surely makes me blue,
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma, too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw:
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

5 January

Very Punny!

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song, because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Male-Improvement Classes

Once again the female staff will be offering the following courses to all men. Please note the names of some of the courses have been changed for this year. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is MANDATORY!

1. Combating stupidity.
2. You can do housework too.
3. PMS - Learning to keep you mouth shut.
4. How to fill an ice-tray.
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas - GIVE US MONEY.
6. Understanding the females response to you coming in drunk at 4am.
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (Formerly called "Don't wash my silks").
8. Parenting - No, it doesn't end with conception.
9. Get a life - Learn to cook.
10. How NOT to act like an asshole when you are obviously wrong.
11. YOU - The weaker sex.
12. Reasons to give flowers.
13. How to stay awake after sex.
14. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the toilet.
15. Garbage - Getting it to the kerb.
16. You can fall asleep without it - If you really try.
17. How to put the toilet lid down (Formerly called "No, it's not a bidet").
18. The weekend and sports are not synonymous.
19. How to go shopping without your mate and not get lost.
20. The remote control - overcoming your dependency.
21. Romanticism - Other ideas besides sex.
22. How NOT to act younger than your driver.
23. You TOO can be the designated driver.
24. Male bonding - Leave your friends at home.
25. Honest, you don't look like Mel Gibson - especially naked!
26. Changing your underwear; it really works.
27. The attainable goal - omitting @$#! from your vocabulary.
28. Fluffing the sheets after farting in bed is NOT necessary.
29. Overcoming selective deafness.
30. Shaking 3 or 4 times will get the drops out.

3 January

ETIQUETTE TIPS FOR REDNECKS

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be hand-me-down item.

- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

- Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

DINING OUT:
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

- Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

- Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

- If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

The Geezer-Qualifying Exam

Get out a piece of paper and a pen, number from 1 to 20. No looking ahead!


1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?

a. On the floor shift knob.

b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch .

c. Next to the horn.

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?

a. Capture lightning bugs.

b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing.

c. Large salt shaker.

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?

a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk.

b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled.

c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?

a. Blackjack.

b. Gin .

c. Craps.

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?

a. Suntan.

b. Leg painting.

c. Wearing slacks.

6. What post-war car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?

a. Studebaker.

b. Nash Metro.

c. Tucker.

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

a. Strips of dried peanut butter.

b. Chocolate licorice bars.

c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.

8. How was Butch wax used?

a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up.

b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing.

c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust.

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?

a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key.

b. Woven straps that crossed the foot.

c. Long pieces of twine .

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?

a. Consider all the facts.

b. Ask Mom .

c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?

a. Smallpox.

b. AIDS.

c. Polio.

 

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey".

a. SUV.

b. Taxi.

c. Streetcar.

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?

a. Old Blue.

b. Paint.

c. Macaroni.

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?

a. Part of the game of hide-and-seek.

b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores.

c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill .

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?

a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring .

b. Princess Sacajawea.

c. Princess Moonshadow.

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed test were handed out in school?

a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high.

b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window.

c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure.

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?

a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum.

b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items.

c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos.

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?

a. Meatballs.

b. Dames.

c. Ammunition.

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?

a. The Ink Spots.

b. The Supremes.

c. The Esquires.

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?

a. Tony Bennett.

b. Zavier Cugat.

c. George Gershwin.
 

ANSWERS:

1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The all-male, all-black group: The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.

SCORING:

17-20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.

12-16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0-11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime.

Bill (ID# 83, recycler)

Another Tongue Twister

Try this on, but not in mixed company ... or with a snoot-full of holiday cheer!!

I'm a pleasant mother pheasant plucker.
I pluck mother pheasants.
I'm the pleasantest mother pheasant plucker that ever plucked a mother pheasant.

NOTE: My best time is 3 seconds on this one, without getting my face slapped (or arrested for doing unnatural acts with birds :) )

Jim (ID# 260, Intelvet)
 

THE PHEASANT PLUCKER'S SONG
by Anon

Me husband is a keeper, he's a very busy man,
I try to understand him and I help him all I can,
But sometimes of an evening I feel a trifle dim,
All alone and plucking pheasants when I'd rather pluck with him.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate
And I'm only plucking pheasants
'Cause the pheasant plucker's late.

I'm not good at plucking pheasants; pheasant plucking I get stuck,
Though some peasants find it pleasant, I'd much rather pluck a duck.
Oh, but plucking geese is gorgeous, I can pluck a goose with ease,
But plucking pheasants is sheer torture, for they haven't any grease.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
He has gone out on the tiles,
He only plucked one pheasant,
And I'm sitting here with piles.

You have to pluck them fresh; if they're fresh it's not unpleasant.
I knew a man in Dunstable, could pluck a frozen pheasant.
They say the village constable has pheasant plucking sessions
With the vicar of a Sunday 'tween the first and second lessons.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants
'Till the pheasant pluckers come.

My good friend Godfrey's most adept, he's really got the knack;
He likes to have a pheasant plucked before he hits the sack.
I try and lend a helping hand, I gather up the feathers,
It's really all this pheasant plucking keeps us here together.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's friend,
And I'm only plucking pheasants
As a means unto an end.

Me husband's in the woods all day, a-banging with his gun,
If he could hear me heartfelt cries, then surely he would run,
For I've fluff in all me crannies and there's feathers up me nose,
And I'm itchin' in the kitchen' from me head down to me toes.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's wife,
And when we pluck together,
It's a pheasant plucking life!

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