Fun Page #1 for 2005
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Dilbert's 25 Rules of Order
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself: where the hell is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
25. Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.
|A couple drove down a
country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion
had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
recycler (ID# 83, Bill Long)
Diary from the North of Western Australia
Nov 30 -
Just moved to Port Hedland. Now this is a place that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. What a place!
Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home. I love it here.
Sign on office wall
Another month ends.
All targets met.
All systems working.
All customers satisfied.
All staff eager and enthusiastic.
All pigs fed and ready to fly!!
Here are real classified ads that didn't quite work!
Another Approach to Bathing a Cat
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odours that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, an ice- hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the tepid water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion, as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney. Cats are gullible that way!)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single fluent motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have just begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life! Cats have no handles when wet. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defences and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least, now he smells a lot better.
Things you wish you could say at work...
mepstein (ID# 229, malcolm)
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his
wife for a younger woman.
...including the curtain rods.
I Can't Believe We Made It!
Claude (ID# 23)
Notice to all NERR employees:
Effective immediately, all employees are instructed to use only those cooking appliances approved by NERR management when preparing food and beverages in NERR locos and rolling stock. The picture below is evidence that the use of non-approved food and beverage preparation appliances, such as open fireplaces and barbecues, can cause severe damage to NERR property. Employees can submit requests for approval, together with fresh samples (real, not virtual) of the product that they wish to prepare, to NERR management.
My Family Tree
Many, many years ago
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
Once again the female staff will be
offering the following courses to all men. Please
note the names of some of the courses have
been changed for this year. Attendance in at
least 10 of the following is MANDATORY!
ETIQUETTE TIPS FOR REDNECKS
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
|In a terrible accident
at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly
four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver
took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
The Geezer-Qualifying Exam
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
6. What post-war car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed test were handed out in school?
17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
17-20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.
12-16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.
0-11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime.
Bill (ID# 83, recycler)
Another Tongue Twister
Try this on, but not in mixed company ... or with a snoot-full of holiday cheer!!
I'm a pleasant mother pheasant plucker.
NOTE: My best time is 3 seconds on this one, without getting my face slapped (or arrested for doing unnatural acts with birds :) )
(ID# 260, Intelvet)
If you put "pheasant
plucker" into a search engine, you get over 5,700 hits, including this
THE PHEASANT PLUCKER'S SONG
The views expressed on this page certainly do not necessarily reflect those of the NERR Administration. They are the views of the author of the particular fun item.
Contributors are named where possible. If you are the owner of an item on this page and you do not want it published here, please contact me, and it will be removed.
Some of these items are taken from the NERR forums, and some of them are not. I'll leave it to you to work out which is which - and whether that is important to you.
This page will be archived when it gets too long - and I'll define what is "too long"!