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Fun Page #2 for 2005 |
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Click on the link below to view the archived Fun Pages: |
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March A store that sells wives opens in Dallas, TX, where a man may go to choose a wife from among MANY women. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the women increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a wife from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building--no stopping on any lower floors. A man goes to the shopping center to find a wife. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These women have jobs. The man reads the sign and says to himself, "Well, that's better than my last girlfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up he goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These women have jobs and love sports. The man smiles to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These women have jobs, love sports, and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better!" he says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These women have jobs, love
sports, are extremely good looking and do all the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the man, "Very tempting. BUT, there must be more, much
more, The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These women have jobs, love
sports, are extremely good looking, do all The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 133,956,779,012 to this floor. There are no women on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that men are impossible to please. |
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Kids Today
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March The Senility Prayer God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. . . Oh hell! Send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen, I think. Maybe you get your memory back. Even worse, you may get mine. Did I already send this to you? |
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2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. 3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. 6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. 8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you one hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? 11. In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. 14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? |
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March The Hormone Warning
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are
days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he
takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as
common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend,
or significant other!
13 Things PMS Stands For:
Money talks.... But Chocolate sings Need I say more? Intelvet |
| A young brunette goes
into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she
touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you? " She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken." Rick Foss |
| I recently picked a new
primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he
said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that
comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer, wine or spirits?" "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done that." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?" I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, rock climbing?" "No, I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me with a frown and said, "Then, why the hell do you give a shit, if you live to be 90?" mepstein |
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February Think you're having a bad day? A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet. After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down
the stairs to the ambulance they asked the
wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They
started laughing so hard, one slipped, tipping the stretcher and
dumping ___________________________________________ Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse... The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. ___________________________________________ Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in
the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a
dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly ___________________________________________ STILL think you're having a bad day? Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death. ___________________________________________ What?! STILL having a bad day?? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better? |
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Thanks to recycler (ID# 83, Bill Long) for those pearls of wisdom! |
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February 7 Reasons to Crawl Under a Rock 1. CURL UP AND DIE........I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
2. PAD PLEASE..........
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about
our mortgage insurance. He was
3. HO, HO, HO.............
I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son
came into the bathroom and wrapped
4. LADY GOLFER................
I was at the golf store comparing different
kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My
sister and I were at the mall and passed by a
store that sold a variety of
6. PRICELESS.............A
lady picked up several items at a discount
store. When she finally got up to the
7. MOM'S ADVICE.........
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not
paying attention. She went back to find out
what was going on. He was quite |
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Fellas....think before you speak... A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph. He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards." The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need." "Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag." |
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February Just A Little Snake... Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot
of potted plants, and during a recent cold
spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect
them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green
garden The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called, and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint, and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whisky, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over, and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who, startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls, and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department, and the arriving fire-truck had started raising its ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area. Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world. About a year later, they were watching TV, and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night. She shot him. |
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| A male patient is lying
in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four
hour, surgical procedure. A young,
student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?" |
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6 February A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House" in French, is feminine "la maison" and "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because 1. No one but their creator
understands their internal logic. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because: 1. In order to do anything with them,
you have to turn them on. |
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| A man playing on a new
golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked
if she knew what hole he was playing. She
replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole
behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and
went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No, I wouldn't," he said. She said, "I sell tampons." With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!" Rick Foss |
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6 February - the
first one is not humorous, but I thought that it should be preserved
somewhere on this website. Obituary Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, by the name of Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned, but overbearing, regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; however they could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, Common sense lost the will to
live, as the Ten Commandments became contraband,
churches became businesses, and criminals
received better treatment than their victims. |
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Technical Support 1 Can you please advise me. I'm having some problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem
coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort
of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with
GirlFriend 1.0, but I
thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months
of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend
2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He
was right --- as soon as I purged my I very cautiously upgraded to
GirlFriend 4.0. This
time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection
program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0
was still in my system! Then I tried to run
GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend
4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the
presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in
some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The
version I have right now Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate-and-Stay-Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he
upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well,
it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes
prohibits access to FreesexPlus, I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help?? UKBill (ID# 286, Bill) |
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The views expressed on this page certainly do not necessarily reflect those of the NERR Administration. They are the views of the author of the particular fun item. |
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Contributors are named where possible. If you are the owner of an item on this page and you do not want it published here, please contact me, and it will be removed. Some of these items are taken from the NERR forums, and some of them are not. I'll leave it to you to work out which is which - and whether that is important to you. This page will be archived when it gets too long - and I'll define what is "too long"! |
