Fun Page #3 for 2005

Click on the link below to view the archived Fun Pages:

2004 #1

2005 #1

2005 #2

Finally! Bloke's Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Finally!! So these are OUR rules!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

3. Crying is blackmail.

4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

5. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

7. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

9. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

11. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

12. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

13. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

18. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

19. You have enough clothes.

20. You have too many shoes.

21. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

22. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

23. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, It's a Ferrari ..."

A Boy And His Train

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your low-income asses in the train, 'cause we are going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

(Sure beats the allaboard.sms that we have in MSTS!!)

Feeling awkward and out of place, the pastor went to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the rest room?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"For heavens sake, why not?"

"Well, there is a large statue of a woman in there, and I'm afraid it would offend you, being a man of the cloth and all. She is only wearing a fig leaf over her...."

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."

And still feeling very self-conscious in the quiet room, he entered the men's room. After a few minutes he emerged, and the whole place was filled with music and dancing again, and everyone was giving him an enthusiastic round of applause. Several patrons came to him, slapped him on the back, put their arms around his shoulders, and led him to the bar where he was presented with a cold drink, on the house.

"I don't understand," the bewildered pastor whispered to the bartender, "What happened?"

"They know you're one of us now," the bartender replied.

"How?"

The bartender grinned and slid another drink to him. "When the fig leaf on the statue is lifted, all the lights go out.

On Getting Older

Little Billy was sitting on a park bench, munching one lolly after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all those lollies isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 lollies at a time?"

No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own bloody business!!"

Why does an engineer need a mistress?

So that his wife thinks he's with his mistress, his mistress thinks he's with his wife, and he can go into the workshop and do cool stuff - like run MSTS day and night!

Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He 'TURNED' - we had to throw him out. There's no fun now; you're just a sour-dumpling.

What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.

Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!

After that it's a day-by-day thing - you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s, and every day is a complete cycle - you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there.

Into the 90s, you start going backwards: "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

 May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

................................................................

HOW TO STAY YOUNG:

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. We all need to live life to its fullest each day.

Claude (ID# 23)

Thought for the Day

A man is driving down the road.

A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

...

Thought for the Day:  If only men would listen.

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
but I only slept with you, because I was p*%sed.

I thought that I could love no other,
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Another month ends

All targets met

All systems working

All customers satisfied

All staff eager and enthusiastic

... All pigs fed and ready to fly!

26 Thoughts
To Get You Through Almost Any Crisis

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You can not tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

7. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

8. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense.

15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone in mind to blame.

18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

21. The more you run over dead cat, the flatter it gets.

22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

24. Never wrestle with a pig: you both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

25. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realise it's a do-it-yourself thing.

26. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

Attention All Staff!

To Save Time, Give Excuses By The Following Numbers:

1. Nobody told me to do it.

2. It's someone else's responsibility.

3. The Boss did not tell us to start.

4. I was too busy.

5. It's not our department's responsibility.

6. I've been waiting for a supervisor.

7. The computer went down.

8. I guess that I stuffed up.

9. I didn't think that it was important.

10. I forgot.

11. We have always done it a different way.

12. Don't blame me; I wasn't even there.

I apologise for today's additions to this page - my wife made me publish them!! :(

Men Are Like ...

Men are like ... Laxatives ...They irritate the shit out of you.
 

Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.

Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Life Explained

A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord, I pray
 
For Wisdom ---- to understand my man,

For Love ---- to forgive him, and

For Patience---- for his moods.

Because Lord, if I pray for strength,

I'll beat him to death.

Heroic Failures Department

This is a true story, told by a builder's labourer in an accident claim submitted to a local insurance
company.

"Following the completion of the four-storey building on which I was working," writes the labourer, "I was
instructed to collect all the unused bricks on the fourth floor and return them to the ground.

"I figured that the job would be completed a lot quicker if I tied a large timber beam to the top floor with a pulley at one end and a piece of rope through the pulley. I returned to the ground and tied a wheelbarrow to the bottom end of the rope and proceeded to hoist the wheelbarrow to the fourth floor.

I then walked up to the fourth floor and loaded the wheelbarrow with bricks. When it was full, I returned once again to the ground, took hold of the rope, and pulled with all my strength.

Little did I realise that the wheelbarrow full of bricks weighed about 300 pounds (136kg) - I weigh 160 pounds (72.5kg).

Naturally, the wheelbarrow started coming down, and I, still hanging on to the rope, started going up.

It was at the second floor that I collided with the wheelbarrow coming down. The impact broke my left arm in two places.

Somehow, I managed to hold on to the rope with only one arm until I reached the fourth floor. It was at this point that I received a severe knock on my head from the pulley. Blood started pouring down my face.

Being unable to see from the blood in my eyes, I did not notice that the wheelbarrow had fallen over when it hit the ground, and the bricks fell out.

An empty wheelbarrow weighs about 50 pounds (22.5kg) - I weigh about 160 pounds. Still holding the rope, I started going down.

Naturally, the wheelbarrow started coming back up. So as to not damage my arm any more, I somehow managed to turn around so that the wheelbarrow would pass on my right side.

When I passed the second floor going down, I met the wheelbarrow going up again. It broke my right
elbow.

By this time, I could hardly hold on to the rope, and when I reached the ground, I landed on the
bricks which had fallen out of the wheelbarrow. The landing broke both my legs.

As you can imagine, I was in great pain. So I let go of the rope.

I forgot about the wheelbarrow. It started coming down - and I could not move out of the way.

The wheelbarrow landed in the middle of my back, breaking eight ribs and fracturing
several vertebrae..."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and Abracadabra! ... two round-the-world tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So ... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife was deeply disappointed, but a wish was a wish.

The Fairy made a circle with her magic wand and ... Abracadabra! ... Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Men might be bastards.

But Fairies are ... Female!

The Younger Sister

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day, little sister called and asked me to come over to check the Wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car!

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butts, and they vapour lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Obviously sent in by a woman!!

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist
said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discuss the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
"Yes?"

There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

God Created Children (and, in the process, grandchildren)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was

"DON'T!"

Keep Scrolling.

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

 
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

Keep Scrolling.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve ... we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

Keep scrolling.

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and  He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

 
"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

 
Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

********************************

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

********************************

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Teen-age Sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damn good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied.

"The rest are for your father.

Bill Long (aka recycler, ID# 83)

Did they really say that?

Here are some things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Rick (ID# 42, silvermeteor)

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband," said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and ... abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So ... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife was deeply disappointed, but a wish was a wish.

The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and ... abracadabra! Suddenly, the husband was 90 years old.

Men might be b*&^st*&^ds, but Fairies are....................Female!

1. I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN.

2. (On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD. (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE.

3. I'M STILL HOT... IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.

4. AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.

5. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.

6 LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE FUN OF IT.

7. I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.

8. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD... ARE YOU BAD?

9. PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!

10. I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE.

11. IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.

12. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.

13. KEEP STARING....I MAY DO A TRICK.

14. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.

15. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED.

16. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE.

17. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE.

18. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.

19. IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH.

20. BUCKLE UP. MAKES IT HARDER FOR ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR.

recycler (ID# 83, Bill Long)

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he can not tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

 recycler (ID# 83, Bill Long)

Book Titles

Started by Ken "Speedy" Patterson (ID# 276) and added to by others:

- "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace

- "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff

- "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow

- "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep

- "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty

- "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel

- "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent

- "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate

- "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

- "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung

- "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago

- "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud

- "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter

- "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples

- "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath

- "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch

- "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First

- "Yellow River" by I. P. Daily

- "Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Bawls

- "Forty Yards to the Outhouse" by Willy Makeit, illustrated by Betty Dont

- "The Secretary's Handbook" by Irazmus B. Draggin

- "Under the Bleachers" by Seymore Butts

Cat Tongue Twister

The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat











Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

25 Signs That You Have Grown Up!

This doesn't apply to all of you but will some day!

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favourite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry & divorce instead of hook up & break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

If this has been posted before, I apologise ... just another sign of growing old disgracefully!!

See below!

Cat Bathing Version 3425a

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odours that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce:

"This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three lathers, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defences and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

Intelvet (ID# 260, Jim)

I have studied something along these lines for many years. The years of study and analysis; the countless experiments; the blood, sweat and tears, the sleepless nights, and discussions have finally come to a close...

You really cannot baptize a cat successfully...and both be happy in the end.

So...let the furry little bastards lick themselves silly.

Kip (ID# 260)

The views expressed on this page certainly do not necessarily reflect those of the NERR Administration. They are the views of the author of the particular fun item.

Contributors are named where possible. If you are the owner of an item on this page and you do not want it published here, please contact me, and it will be removed.

Some of these items are taken from the NERR forums, and some of them are not. I'll leave it to you to work out which is which - and whether that is important to you.

This page will be archived when it gets too long - and I'll define what is "too long"!