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Fun Page #3 for 2005 |
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Fun Page #3 for 2005 |
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Click on the link below to view the archived Fun Pages: |
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28 May Redneck Etiquette
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
DINING OUT:
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
DATING (Outside the Family):
THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
WEDDINGS:
DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS: from Jim |
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If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language that most of us share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. If the rule is "I before E, except after C", why isn't the word weird spelled wierd? P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"? |
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26 May Top 10 Answering Machine Messages Number 10 My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Number 9
Number 8
Number 7
Number 6
Number 5
Number 4
Number 3
Number 2
And the Number 1 Answering Machine Message... |
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Wife Mart ... A store that sells wives opened in Brisbane recently, where a man may go to choose a wife from among MANY women. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the women increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a wife from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building - no stopping on any lower floors. A man goes to the shopping center to find a wife. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These women have jobs. The man reads the sign and says to himself, "Well, that's better than my last girlfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up he goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These women have jobs, love sports, and drink beer. The man smiles to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better!" he says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good looking and do all the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the man, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more, much more, further up!" He heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good looking, do all the housework and don't gripe or complain about anything. "Hot Diggity Dog! ... how close to perfect can you get? .. But just think ... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor he goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 133,956,779,012 to this floor. There are no women on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that men are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wife Mart, and have a nice day. |
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20 May +15°C This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here. People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves. The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan. +10°C The French are trying in vain to start their central heating. The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C
0°C
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-60°C
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-183°C
-273°C
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| As a butcher is shooing a
dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in its mouth reading: "10 lamb
chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and then trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button. The bus stops, and the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and berating the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the heck are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds: "Genius, my butt. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!!" (#210 signal_maintainer) |
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15 May One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money", Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and it will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes only ten seconds and costs ten dollars; a lot cheaper than a doctor". So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He puts in his ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for his sample which he pours into the appropriate slot and waits. Ten seconds later the computer ejects a print-out: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart". That evening while thinking how amazing this technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed up some tap water, a stool from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries off to Wal-Mart eager to check the results. He pays his ten dollars, pours in the concoction and ten seconds later the computer prints out the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9). 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7). 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They are not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart. |
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Peter's Laws
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15 May Free Advice 1. Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving. 2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee. 3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband. 4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried that, but they wanted cash. 5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. 6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. 7. Don't marry the person you want to live with. Marry the one you cannot live without. 8. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me. 9. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 10. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her, or she'll take it anyway. 11. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong, and she agrees with me. 12. Ladies first, pretty ladies sooner. 13. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. 14. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them. 15. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between each new address books. 16. Saving is the best thing; especially when your parents have done it for you. 17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak. 18. What are the three fastest ways of communication? Telephone, Television, & Tell-a-woman. |
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How to Shower Like a Woman 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you are getting fat. 4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet, and you lose the cold water. 13. Turn off shower. 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel. 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails or tweezers if found. 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. .......................................... How to Shower Like a Man 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woohoo" sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror. Scratch your "privates". 4. Get in the shower. 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one). 6. Wash your face. 7. Wash your armpits. 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar. 11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). 12. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. 14. Pee in the shower. 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. 16. Partially dry off. 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 19. Leave bathroom fan and light on. 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. 21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. 22. Fart, scratch and go on about your day. rjstone (BeanCounter, #033) |
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14 May Cat Mind Games
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In 1912
Wilbur Scoville, a pharmacist for Park Davis,
created a scale for pepper hotness. It was based on the amount of dilution
it would take for the pepper to be unnoticed by a taster.
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12 May Just For U! If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language that we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? .............................................................................. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. If the rule is "I before E, except after C", why isn't the word weird spelled wierd? P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"? |
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| Why does an engineer need
a mistress?
So that his wife thinks he's with his mistress, his mistress thinks he's with his wife, and he can go into the workshop and do cool stuff. |
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May Logic? A man was happily playing on the railroad tracks one day. A train came around the nearby bend at high speed. The man ran as fast as he could along the tracks away from the train - but eventually the train ran him down. Luckily, the man was not killed and woke up a few days later in hospital. His shook his head and said to him: "Why did you run along the tracks? Why didn't you climb the embankment?" "Hell no," said the man, "If I couldn't get away from it by running along the tracks on the flat, how could I possibly have got away by going uphill?" |
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The Senator Decides READ ALL TO SEE THE REAL MORAL OF THE STORY........ While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open, and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose the place where you want to spend eternity." She reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot; sweltering and miserable. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm around her shoulders. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable." The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted for us." |
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May At Last ... Bloke's Rules We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Finally!! So these are OUR rules! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 2. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be. 3. Crying is blackmail. 4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 5. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 7. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 9. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 11. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 12. Whenever
possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials. 14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 18. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 19. You have enough clothes. 20. You have too many shoes. 21. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
23. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. |
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8 Words with 2 Meanings
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May The World's 20 Shortest Books
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| When I die, I want to die
like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like
all the passengers in her car.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4,000, but it's state of the art." "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day ..... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! recycler (Bill Long, ID# 83) |
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May Potential vs Reality A young boy went up to his father and said, "Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment do determine the difference between potentially and realistically. Can you help me?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes ... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.............. but Realistically, ......... we're living with two sluts and a queer." Jim (Intelvet, #260) |
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God Loves Blondes A blonde finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's
so Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays: "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house, and my car is next." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays: "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Sweetheart, work with Me on this ...........Buy a ticket." |
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The views expressed on this page certainly do not necessarily reflect those of the NERR Administration. They are the views of the author of the particular fun item. |
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Contributors are named where possible. If you are the owner of an item on this page and you do not want it published here, please contact me, and it will be removed. Some of these items are taken from the NERR forums, and some of them are not. I'll leave it to you to work out which is which - and whether that is important to you. This page will be archived when it gets too long - and I'll define what is "too long"! |
