|
|
||||
|
Fun Page #4 for 2005 |
||||
|
Click on the link below to view the archived Fun Pages: |
||||
|
|
||||
|
Fun Page #4 for 2005 |
||||
|
Click on the link below to view the archived Fun Pages: |
||||
|
26 July The Train Trip Three Americans and three French Tourists are travelling by train to a baseball game. At the station, the three Frenchmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Americans buy only a single ticket. " 'Ow are the t'ree of you people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Frenchman. "Watch and you'll see," answers an American. They all board the train. The French guys take their respective seats, but all three Americans cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please!" The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Frenchmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Americans on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Americans don't buy a ticket at all! " 'Ow are you going to travel wit'out a ticket?" asks one perplexed Frenchman. "Watch and you'll see," answers an American. When they board the train, the three French guys cram into a bathroom, and the three Americans cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Americans leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the French guys are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, "Ticket, please!" |
|
No Words Needed!
|
|
Why Men Are Happier Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will
enjoy reading it. |
|
Definition of a BBQ It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:
|
|
16 June Most Romantic Lines? Try These! Got this recently. These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.
|
|
|
|
The Abbott & Costello "Who's on First" adapted to "Buying a Computer" To fully appreciate this
you have to be old enough to remember Abbott and
Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers,
please read If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO PHONES TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue "1". COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue "1". COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"! ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START"....... |
|
15 June The Homeless Man A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife". The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex." |
|
|
| How many Aussies does it
take to change a light bulb?
TEN.....One bloke pushes the bulb against the socket, while the other nine keep on drinking until the whole room begins to spin around. ................................................................. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!! ................................................................. How many telemarketers doe it take to change a light bulb? 1, but they have to do it while you're having dinner!! ................................................................. How many LP player users does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck... getting stuck... ................................................................. How many CD player users does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck... |
|
13 June Child Birth Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Momma Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again." |
|
|
| Paul Kelvin Hardy, 40,
was arrested in Martinsburg, W.Va., after he broke into a couple's home
on New Year's Eve, robbed them of $540, held them at gunpoint for more
than hour, and then, when he noticed a piano in the house, ordered the
husband to play two songs while Hardy sang.
After the songfest, Hardy suggested they order pizza and meanwhile began playing with his gun. The siege ended, and police were called, when Hardy joined a long list of people chronicled in News of the Weird for accidentally shooting themselves. [Herald-Mail (Hagerstown, Md.), 1-4-05] Jim (Intelvet) |
|
4 June Oops! Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling, and he plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time." |
|
Sign in a Bar
|
|
Ethics Test This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. You are in Darwin, in the Northern Territory, Australia (in the far, far north!). There is chaos all around you, caused by a cyclone (hurricane, typhoon) with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions! You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer . . . somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's John Howard, the Australian Prime Minister, the Head of the Government. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under. You have two options - you can save the life of the most important member of the government, the man who sets the policy for Australia, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of the Australian Prime Minister. So here's the question, and please give an honest answer: Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white? |
|
1 June Breeding Bulls A man took his wife to the Royal Show, and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen, and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked further, and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow." (The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable, and he should make a full recovery). |
|
How dishwashers really work!
|
|
Warning To All Men! Many females are using a date rape drug that is on the market called Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts with horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often wake with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the horrific details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book. |
|
The views expressed on this page certainly do not necessarily reflect those of the NERR Administration. They are the views of the author of the particular fun item. |
|
Contributors are named where possible. If you are the owner of an item on this page and you do not want it published here, please contact me, and it will be removed. Some of these items are taken from the NERR forums, and some of them are not. I'll leave it to you to work out which is which - and whether that is important to you. This page will be archived when it gets too long - and I'll define what is "too long"! |
