17 August

Jim wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

At the job interview, the inspector asked him this question: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?"

Jim said, "I would put all signals to danger."

"What if they were going too fast?" asked the inspector.

Jim said, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down the signal box steps, waving a red flag", said Jim.

"What if it blew away in the wind?" asked the inspector.

"Then..." Jim continued, "I'd run back into signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well ... in that case," persevered Jim, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing."

"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

"Oh well, then I'd run into the village and get my Uncle Harry."

This puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash!!"

Oops!!

A guy checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so he thought he'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Veronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he’s in his room and figures, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone, and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

And she says,

"That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line, you need to press 9."

STRESS

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture. It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences between the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between the dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.

Look at the photograph, and if you find more than one or two differences, you may want to take a vacation.

No Need to Reply, I'll be on vacation.

14 August

From the Toy Trunk RR

The Path to Serenity

• Picture yourself near a stream.

• Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.

• Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

• You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

• The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

• The water is clear.

• You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

• ... There now. Feeling better?

10 August

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as, half-way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting ... and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"

Hope that put a smile on ya face dis morning.

8 August

Aren't Computers Wonderful?

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money", Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and it will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes only ten seconds and costs ten dollars; a lot cheaper than a doctor".

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.  He puts in his ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for his sample, which he pours into the appropriate slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a print-out: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart".

That evening, while thinking how amazing this technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed up some tap water, a stool from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries off to Wal-Mart eager to check the results.

He pays his ten dollars, pours in the concoction, and ten seconds later the computer prints out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9).

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7).

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They are not yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

7 August

Pure Poetry

In a chapter of his 1963 book on the local history of Eugene Township, Indiana, Harold L. O'Donnell writes about the Chicago and Eastern Illinois (C&EI) Railroad coming to town, and he discusses the danger it was to livestock.

"Livestock in the early day were a constant source of trouble between the railroads and the farmers. Stock would be killed, and it was, of course, always the fault of the railroads. In one case, a farmer had a hog killed by a train, and since he believed himself to have some ability as a poet, wrote the railroad claim agent as follows:

My razorback strolled down your track,
A week ago today.
Your #29 came down the line,
And snuffed his life away.
You can't blame me; the hog you see,
Slipped through a cattle gate;
So kindly pen a check for ten,
The debt to liquidate.

He was surprised a few days later to receive the following:

Old #29 came down the line,
And killed your hog, we know;
But razorbacks on railroad tracks,
Quite often meet with woe.
Therefore, my friend, we cannot send,
The check for which you pine,
Just plant the dead; place o'er his head;
'Here lies a foolish swine.'

12 Things PMS Stands For

 
1. Pass My Shotgun.

2. Psychotic Mood Shift.

3. Perpetual Munching Spree.

4. Puffy Mid-Section.

5. People Make me Sick.

6. Provide Me with Sweets.

7. Pardon My Sobbing.

8. Pimples May Surface.

9. Pi$$y Mood Syndrome.

10. Plainly, Men Suck.

11. Pack My Stuff.

And my favourite ...

12. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT.

5 August

The Hormone Warning

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth, and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide, that should be as common as a driver's licence in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my pay cheque.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.

Remember:

Money talks ... but Chocolate sings.

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Marriage - Part V The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM, and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

3 August

Why?

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

• Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

• Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

• Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

• Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

• Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

• How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

• When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

• In winter ,why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

• If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

• And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

And my FAVOURITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

Warning To All Men

Many females are using a date rape drug that is on the market - called Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts with horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often wake with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the horrific details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?

Sir Winston Churchill.

1 August

The Best Husband ...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings, and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Justice

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy", so I just lay down and told him, "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Bill Long

Murphy's Law for Cops

* Bullet-proof vests aren't.

* The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick, and choke harder too.

* The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.

* Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, it will always blow back in your face.

* High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

* If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

* Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.

* Flash suppressors don't really.

* If you have 'cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.

* If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

* Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

* If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on 'Eyewitness News'.

* Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Narco Investigators, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.

* When a civilian sees a red light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

* If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.

* You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

* Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

* From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.

* On any call, there will always be more 'bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.

* The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.

* Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.

* You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer."

* The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

* If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.

Jim, aka intelvet

The Good Old Days

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some interesting facts about the 1500s:

• Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

• Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women, and finally the children, and last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,:"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

• Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs, ...) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery, and sometimes the animals would slip off the roof. Hence the saying: "It's raining cats and dogs."

• There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

• The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying: "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh, until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying:  "a thresh hold."

Getting quite an education, aren't you?

• In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: "Pease porridge hot, pease porridge cold, pease porridge in the pot nine days old."

• Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

• Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

• Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

• Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days, and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

• England is old and small, and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground, and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

Robert R.

Cat Shoots Owner

BATES TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — A man cooking in his kitchen was shot, after one of his cats knocked his 9mm handgun onto the floor, discharging the weapon, Michigan State Police said.

Joseph Stanton, 29, of Bates Township in Iron County, was shot in his lower torso around 6 p.m. Tuesday, the state police post in Iron River reported. He was transported to Iron County Community Hospital.

Michelle Sand, a spokeswoman at the Iron River hospital, said Stanton was treated there before being transferred to Marquette General Hospital for further treatment.

But Marcie Miller, a representative of the Marquette facility, said there was no record of the hospital receiving a patient by that name.

State police said Stanton was cooking at his stove when the cat knocked the loaded gun off the kitchen counter behind him.

Strange Information - good for winning bets

• In 1972, a group of scientists reported that you could cure the common cold by freezing the big toe.

• The human brain stops growing at the age of 18. (That explains a lot.)

• Blood is red only in the arteries after it has left the heart and is full of oxygen. Blood is a purplish, blue color in the veins as it returns to the heart, thanks to having picked up carbon dioxide and other wastes from the body's cells. In fact, your blood is red throughout only half your body. When cut, of course, the blood always appears red because it is instantly exposed to oxygen outside the body.

• During his or her lifetime, the average human will grow 590 miles of hair.

• The Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland was a symbolic character for the hat makers in towns of the late 1800s. The large felt hats of the day had supports made out of lead. The lead caused an organic form of psychosis (brain damage) to develop in the hat makers causing them to be declared crazy.

• The record for the world's worst drivers is a toss-up between two candidates:

  • First, a 75-year-old man who received 10 traffic tickets, drove on the wrong side of the road four times, committed four hit-and-run offences, an caused six accidents, all within 20 minutes on October 15, 1966.

  • Second, a 62-year-old woman who failed her driving test 40 times before passing it in August, 1970 (by that time, she had spent over $700 in lessons, and could no longer afford to buy a car).

• When police arrived in Appleton, Wisconsin to remove a woman's children because of a complaint that she had given her 11-year-old daughter a "swirlie" (holding her head in a flushing toilet). The woman reportedly said, "I haven't had a vacation in 13 years. Go ahead and take them!"

• A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

• In 1970, Russel T. Tansie, an Arizona lawyer, filed a $100,000 damage lawsuit against God. The suit was filed on behalf of Mr. Tansie's secretary, Betty Penrose, who accused God of negligence in His power over the weather, when He allowed a lightning bolt to strike her home. Ms. Penrose won the case when the defendant failed to appear in court. Whether or not she collected has not been recorded.

• A teenager in Belmont, New Hampshire robbed the local convenience store. Getting away with a pocket full of change, the boy walked home. He did not realize, however, that he had holes in both of his pockets. A trail of quarters and dimes led police directly to his house.

• Some people consider the $1 bill unlucky, because there are so many 13s on it: 13 stars, 13 stripes, 13 steps, 13 arrows, and even an olive branch with 13 leaves on it. Of course the $1 bill is unlucky - if it was lucky it would be a $100 bill.

• Orchids are grown from seed so small that it would take thirty thousand to weigh as much as one grain of wheat.

• A person standing under an oak tree is 16 more times liable to be hit by lightning than if he had taken refuge beneath a beech tree. The oak tree has vertical roots which provide a more direct route to ground water.

• The telegraph plant of Asia has leaves that flutter constantly, even when there is no breeze.

• The final resting-place for Dr. Eugene Shoemaker is the Moon. The famed U.S. Geological Survey astronomer trained the Apollo astronauts about craters, but he never made it into space. Mr. Shoemaker had wanted to be an astronaut but was rejected because of a medical problem. His ashes were placed on board the Lunar Prospector spacecraft before it was launched on January 6, 1998. NASA crashed the probe into a crater on the moon in an attempt to learn if there is water on the moon.

• A ball of glass will bounce higher than a ball of rubber. A ball of solid steel will bounce higher than one made entirely of glass.

• Theatres in Glendale, California can show horror films only on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday.

• You can't plough a cotton field with an elephant in North Carolina.

• Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath at least once a year.

• In Saudi Arabia, a woman reportedly may divorce her husband if he does not keep her supplied with coffee.

• Mosquitoes prefer children to adults, and blondes to brunettes.

• Spiders have transparent blood.

• The silkworm's silk comes out of its mouth as a thread of gooey liquid, so that nice silk blouse you spent a fortune on is really just worm spit.

  Bill Long

27 July

Kip Crawford has sent us the following story:

My Grandfather, who was almost deaf and somewhat religious and who I considered a wise man, was a natural-born "straight-face" comic (a skill which I inherited). On certain occasions he would tell stories that seemed true during the telling of the story - until the very end. On many occasions his stories lured us listeners with really interesting subjects from his lifetime and boyhood to the point that we would believe every word ... until we realized that we were being "suckered". He was a master at it.

Here is a story that he told me when I was about 13. Though the story may or may not be true, the telling of it is. The subject was about upset stomachs and ulcers. My Grandfather was a firm believer in a healthy diet and stayed healthy all his life. Usually the premise of his stories were about how they did it in the "olden' days" before anti-acids and Pepto-Bismol, etc. I will retell this story as best as I can remember it, word for word. The subject matter is a little risqué, so no offense to any ladies who might read this! Here goes:

"...Yeah...when I was about your age (13-14), I had stomach problems too. They got pretty bad one summer, so Ma had the doc come over (they made house calls back then, in the 1920s!) and checked me out. He told my Ma that I had a small ulcer. He said the best thing for that problem was "Mother's Milk". I had no idea what he meant. He talked to my Ma about it while I waited outside, then he came out and told me what to do.

"I want you to go over to Mrs Barnes' place tomorrow and get some Mother's Milk. She just had a baby a few months back ... so she's got plenty for ya, I reckon. I'll stop by there on my way back to town and let her know what you need."

"But Doc, we got cows here too. Why can't I have Mother's Milk from our cows?" asked my grandfather.

"Not cows milk", he answered. "Mother's Milk". He turned to walk away, then stopped and turned and added, "Just ask her, and she'll explain."

So ... the next day I walked on over to Mrs. Barnes' house and knocked on the door. When she came to answer my knocking, I said, "The doc sent me over here for some Mother's Milk. I brought a pail to carry it home".

She broke into loud laughter. I had no idea what she was laughing about. "No, Phillip," she said between chuckles, "You don't need no pail. The doc explained about your problem, and I agreed to help for a little while. Please come in."

We went into the house, where she proceeded to set me down on a chair next to her. She then explained to what Mother's Milk was. I was stunned to learn that Mother's Milk was her breast milk. Even though I was only young, I had a pretty good idea what I needed to do next. Those stomach pains were getting worse, and I was desperate. So ... she told me how to do it. Seeing that I was very shy about this, she said that it was all right, and that Mr Barnes gave his approval. So began my treatment for my ulcer!

This continued for about 2 weeks. My stomach was getting better, but still felt I needed more "treatments". On the 3rd week, Mrs Barnes was getting a little tired of these treatments, but not me! My stomach never felt better. Then on the last day, while I was partaking of my "treatment", she asked me wearily if I needed anything else ...

I replied: "Yeah ... got any cookies?"

That last line was the "clincher"! I knew right then and there it was a joke. I cannot give the re-telling of this story the true justice it deserves. His way of telling a story was so real that you'd swear it had to be true ... until the last line. He was great at doing this. This one of the few stories I can remember. Sadly, my Grandfather came down with Alzheimer’s Disease and passed away about 18 years ago. But his stories still remain - and this is one of them.

26 July

The Train Trip

Three Americans and three French Tourists are travelling by train to a baseball game. At the station, the three Frenchmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Americans buy only a single ticket.

" 'Ow are the t'ree of you people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Frenchman.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an American.

They all board the train. The French guys take their respective seats, but all three Americans cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please!"

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on. The Frenchmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Americans on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Americans don't buy a ticket at all!

" 'Ow are you going to travel wit'out a ticket?" asks one perplexed Frenchman.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an American.

When they board the train, the three French guys cram into a bathroom, and the three Americans cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Americans leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the French guys are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, "Ticket, please!"

No Words Needed!

Why Men Are Happier

Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be President.
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress - $5000. Tux rental -$100.
• People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all of your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act  of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original colour.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
 

 Definition of a BBQ

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the shops.

2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.

8. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

9. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

10. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

11. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

12. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!