Humour Page #7 2005

1 October

How To Make A Woman Happy

A quick refresher course for you ..... It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls,

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little for himself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

54. give the authority but never expect her to be responsible

55. give her the last word no matter what the cost to your life and limb.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget: birthdays, anniversaries and arrangements she makes.

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Show up naked.

2. Fix him something to eat.

The Great Truths

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

The Definition of SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

28 September

Dilbert's 25 Rules of Order

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon ... and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?

8. My reality check bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

15. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

16. Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

23. Following the rules will not get the job done.

24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

25. Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern ...

I no longer can drink Coca Cola, because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink anything out of a can, because I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer use margarine, because it's one molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex, because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favour.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhoea will crap on your head at 5:00pm, and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!

26 September

A Little Bit of Biblical History

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Whip and Peter's Ice Cream. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!"

And Woman said, "I'll have one too .... with sprinkles".

And lo and behold they gained 10 pounds. And so God created the healthful yoghurt so that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined that. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green garden salad".

And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried squid rings, butter-dipped lobster chunks and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats, adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99 cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"

And Man replied "Yes! And super-size them!"

And Satan said "It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed .... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And Satan chuckled and created The Public Health System.

One of the Best!!

Ads That Did Not Work

Here are real classified ads that didn't quite work!

1. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

2. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

3. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

4. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

5. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

6. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

7. Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of children.

8. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

9. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

10. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

11. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

12. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

13. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

14. For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

15. Man, honest. Will take anything.

16. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

17. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

18. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

19. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

20. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

21. Sign in a cosmetician's shop window: Complete skin, nail, and hair removal service.

24 September

Wisdom Through the Ages

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Parliament. But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain
We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. --James Bovard, Civil Libertarian
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. --Douglas Casey, Classmate of W. J. Clinton at Georgetown U.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenage boys. --P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else. --Frederic Bastiat, French Economist(1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving,
subsidize it. --Ronald Reagan
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. --P.J. O'Rourke
If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist. --Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one part of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire(1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. --Pericles(430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. --Mark Twain
Talk is cheap, except when a Liberal does it. --Unknown
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. --Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --Winston
Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. --Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher(1820-1903)
There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. --Mark Twain
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians. -- Bob Johannese

Technical Support 1

Can you please advise me. I'm having some problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend, and I've been having some problems lately. I've
been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I
hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run Girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to
turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to
abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that Girlfriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less re-program. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.

And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate-and-Stay-Resident version of Girlfriend. He discovered that GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help??

Professional Qualification Examination

The following quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional.

Scroll down for the answers. The questions are not overly difficult. You simply need to think in a thorough, professional manner.

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1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, place the giraffe inside and close the door. This question tests whether or not you tend to perform simple tasks in a complicated manner.

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2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?

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Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, place the elephant inside and shut the refrigerator.

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, remove the giraffe, place the elephant inside and close the door. This question tests your foresight.

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3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

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Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is inside the refrigerator -- right where you put him! This tests whether you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.

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4. There is a river that is reportedly filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?

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Correct Answer: Simply swim over to the other side. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability.

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If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.

21 September

Noah's Ark's In Trouble!!

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an ark."

And in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for an ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall the Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. but there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code! So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. fish and wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the national labor relations board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls."

"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a supreme being."

"Then the army corps of engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the equal employment opportunity commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country and I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

Marriage - Part I :

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ....... whether you're here or not."

(DAMN, SHE'S GOOD!)

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Marriage - Part II:

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband. Stiff At Last."

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

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Marriage - Part III:

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes that he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early? Doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

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Marriage - Part IV:

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'”

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, 'Father of Four'."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

Quick Thinking!

At an afternoon tea for corporate officers and their wives, the CEO delivered a seemingly endless oration. A young corporate trainee, listening with obvious disfavour, grumbled to the woman at his side, "What a pompous and unbearable old windbag that slob is." The woman turned to him, her face red with rage and said, "Young man, do you know who I am?"

"No, ma'am."

"I am the wife of the man you just called 'an unbearable old windbag.' "

"Indeed," said the young trainee, looking steadfast and unruffled, "and do you know who I am?"

"No, I don't," said the CEO's wife.

"Thank God," said the trainee as he disappeared into the crowd.

14 September

Believe It Or Not!

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard that she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently that she's thrown to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager. The manager says, "I'll be right up."

The manager is sceptical when she tells him the story, but the wife insists that it is true.

"Look," she says, "Lie here on the bed. When the next train passes, you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the woman.

Just then the husband walks in. "What do you think you're doing!" he says.

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe that I'm waiting for a train?"

A Texan is bragging to an Englishman on a train journey through England.

"In Texas", he drawls, "you can get on a train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas at nightfall".

"Yeah," replies the Englishman, "we have slow trains here too".

30 Line To Make You Smile ...

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people. He made so many.

14.. His gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

19.. Procrastinate now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts. Do you want fries with that?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27.. Ham and eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is that there is no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

My Piggy Bank After Buying Petrol

15 September

A few days ago, we published the 2002 Stella Awards. The Stellas are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. Below are the 2003 and 2004 Stella Awards. They are followed by an article from Snopes.com, the "Urban Legends References" website, debunking the Stella Awards as fakes - they are still humorous - that's why we publish them on the Fun page rather than the News page!

The True Stella Awards - 2004

#6: The Tribune Co. of Chicago, Ill. The newspaper chain owns several newspapers, as well as the Chicago Cubs baseball team. One of its newspaper carriers was Mark Guthrie, 43, of Connecticut. One of its ball players was Mark Guthrie, 38, of Illinois. The company's payroll department mixed the two up, putting the ballplayer's pay check into the paper carrier's bank account. The carrier allowed them to take back 90% of the improperly paid salary, and said they could have the rest after they gave him a full accounting to ensure he not only got his own pay, but wouldn't have any tax problems for being paid $300,000 extra. The Tribune Co., rather than provide that reasonable assurance, instead sued him for the rest of the money.

#5: "High Tech" retailer Sharper Image sells a lot of its "Ionic Breeze" air filters. As part of a comparative review of many air filters, Consumer Reports magazine found the "Ionic" unit was the worst performer. SI complained, saying it didn't do a "fair" test. CU asked what sort of test should be done, but SI never replied - until it sued CU. A federal judge ruled the suit not only had no merit, but was actually an illegal attempt to squelch public discussion. SI was ordered to pay CU $400,000 to cover its legal defence costs.

#4: Edith Morgan, mother of Kansas City Chiefs football star Derrick Thomas, who died after being thrown from his SUV in a crash while speeding in a snowstorm. Morgan said Thomas' neck was broken because the SUV's roof collapsed a few inches - not from rolling down the highway because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt - and sued General Motors. Her lawyer begged jurors to award more than $100 million in damages, perhaps more - he "did not want to put an upper limit on it." GM pointed out that Thomas's oversize SUV was exempt from federal roof crush standards, yet it met them anyway. The jury sent a message: of that $100 million, it awarded Morgan ...nothing.

#3: Tanisha Torres of Wyndanch, N.Y. The woman sued Radio Shack for misspelling her town as "Crimedanch" on her cell phone bill. She didn't even ask them to change it; she just sued. "I'm not a criminal," she whined. "My son plays on the high school football team." Yeah, that makes sense. The name "Crimedanch" is a common joke; police in the area confirm it's a high-crime area. Still, Torres claimed she suffered "outrage" and "embarrassment" at having to see that spelling on her private phone bill. The suit seeks unspecified damages.

#2: Homecomings Financial, a subsidiary of GMAC Financial Services, which is a division of General Motors. The finance company accepted a change of address notice from identity thieves for the account belonging to Robert and Suzanne Korinke. The thieves ran up a $142,000 debt, and the Korinkes notified Homecomings of the fraud the moment they discovered it. Homecomings sued them two years later, saying the couple's "negligence" is what "caused the injury to Homecomings," not the fact that the company accepted a change of address from fraudsters and then gave them all the money they could drain. The victims got the company to drop the suit, which demanded $74,000 plus attorney's fees, after shelling out $5,000 in legal fees - an outcome the couple's lawyer called "really lucky".

And the winner of the 2004 True Stella Awards: Mary Ubaudi of Madison County, Ill. Ubaudi was a passenger in a car that got into a wreck. She put most of the blame on the deepest pocket available: Mazda Motors, who made the car she was riding in. Ubaudi demands "in excess of $150,000" from the automaker, claiming it "failed to provide instructions regarding the safe and proper use of a seatbelt." One hopes Mazda's attorneys make her swear in court that she has never before worn a seatbelt, has never flown on an airliner, and that she's too stupid to figure out how to fasten a seatbelt.

The True Stella Awards - 2003

#8: Stephen Joseph of San Francisco, Calif. Joseph runs a non-profit group whose goal is to ban the "trans fats" used in many processed foods and which are indeed very unhealthy. But to help gain publicity for his cause, Joseph, an attorney, chose one food that uses trans fats - Oreo cookies - and sued Kraft Foods for putting the stuff in the snack. The resulting publicity over "suing Oreos" was so intense that Joseph dropped the suit after just 13 days. He never even served the suit on Kraft, showing that he had no interest in actually getting the case heard in court.

#7: Shawn Perkins of Laurel, Ind. Perkins was hit by lightning in the parking lot Paramount's Kings Island amusement park in Mason, Ohio. A classic "act of God", right? No, says Perkins' lawyer. "That would be a lot of people's knee-jerk reaction in these types of situations." The lawyer has filed suit against the amusement park asking unspecified damages, arguing the park should have "warned" people not to be outside during a thunderstorm.

#6: Caesar Barber, 56, of New York City. Barber, who is 5-foot-10 and 270 pounds, says he is obese, diabetic, and suffers from heart disease because fast food restaurants forced him to eat their fatty food four to five times per week. He filed suit against McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's and KFC, who "profited enormously" and asked for unspecified damages, because the eateries didn't warn him that junk food isn't good for him. The judge threw the case out twice, and barred it from being filed a third time.

#5: Cole Bartiromo, 18, of Mission Viejo, Calif. After making over $1 million in the stock market, the feds made Bartiromo pay it all back: he gained his profits, they said, using fraud. Bartiromo played baseball at school, but after his fraud case broke, he was no longer allowed to participate in extracurricular sports. Bartiromo clearly learned a lot while sitting in federal court: he wrote and filed his own lawsuit against his high school, reasoning that he had planned on a pro baseball career but, because he was kicked off the school's team, pro scouts wouldn't be able to discover him. His suit demands the school reimburse him for the great salary he would have made in the majors, which he figures is $50 million.

#4: Priest David Hanser, 70. Hanser was one of the first Catholic priests to be caught up in the sex abuse scandal. In 1990, he settled a suit filed by one of his victims for $65,000. In the settlement, Hanser agreed not to work with children any longer, but the victim learned that Hanser was ignoring that part of the agreement. The victim appealed to the church, asking it to stop Hanser from working near children, but the church would not intervene. "It's up to the church to decide where he works," argued the priest's lawyer. When the outraged victim went to the press to warn the public that a paedophile priest was near children, Hanser sued him for the same $65,000 because he violated his own part of the deal - to keep the settlement secret.

#3: Wanda Hudson, 44, of Mobile, Ala. After Hudson lost her home to foreclosure, she moved her belongings to a storage unit. She says she was inside her unit one night "looking for some papers" when the storage yard manager found the door to her unit ajar - and locked it. She denies that she was sleeping inside, but incredibly did not call for help or bang on the door to be let out! She was not found for 63 days and barely survived; the formerly "plump" 150-pound woman lived on food she just happened to have in the unit, and was a mere 83 pounds when she was found. She sued the storage yard for $10 million, claiming negligence. Even though the jury was not allowed to learn that Hudson had previously diagnosed mental problems, it found Hudson was nearly 100% responsible for her own predicament - but still awarded her $100,000.

#2: Doug Baker, 45, of Portland, Ore. Baker says God "steered" him to hit a stray dog. He admits: "People thought I was crazy" to spend $4,000 in vet bills to bring the injured mutt back to health, but hey, it was God's dog! But $4,000 was nothing: he couldn't even take his girlfriend out to dinner without getting a dog-sitter to watch him. When the skittish dog escaped the sitter, Baker didn't just put an ad in the paper, he bought display ads so he could include a photo. His business collapsed since he devoted full time to the search for the dog. He didn't propose to his girlfriend because he wanted the dog to deliver the ring to her. He hired four "animal psychics" to give him clues to the animal's whereabouts and hired a witch to cast spells. He even spread his own urine around to "mark his territory" to try to lure the dog home! And, he said, he cried every day. Two months in to the search, he went looking for the dog where it got lost - and quickly found it. His first task: he put a collar on the mutt. (He hadn't done that before for a dog that was so "valuable"?) After finding the dog, he sued the dog sitter, demanding $20,000 for the cost of his search, $30,000 for the income he lost by letting his business collapse, $10,000 for "the temporary loss of the special value" of the dog, and $100,000 in "emotional damages" - $160,000 total.

And the winner of the 2003 True Stella Awards: The City of Madera, Calif. Madera police officer Marcy Noriega had the suspect from a minor disturbance handcuffed in the back of her patrol car. When the suspect started to kick at the car's windows, Officer Noriega decided to subdue him with her Taser. Incredibly, instead of pulling her stun gun from her belt, she pulled her service sidearm and shot the man in the chest, killing him instantly. The city, however, says the killing is not the officer's fault; it argues that "any reasonable police officer" could "mistakenly draw and fire a handgun instead of the Taser device" and has filed suit against Taser, arguing the company should pay for any award from the wrongful death lawsuit the man's family has filed.

Snopes Debunks Stella - and gives awards of their own!

"Though the cases described in the above table are fake, real lawsuits of equal silliness can be found in abundance. An equally impressive list could easily have been compiled by anyone with access to a news database and a few moments to spare. For instance:

In March 1995, a San Diego man unsuccessfully attempted to sue the city and Jack Murphy Stadium for $5.4 million over something than can only be described as a wee problem. Robert Glaser claimed the stadium's unisex bathroom policy at a Billy Joel and Elton John concert caused him embarrassment and emotional distress thanks to the sight of a woman using a urinal in front of him. He subsequently tried "six or seven" other bathrooms in the stadium only to find women in all of them. He asserted he "had to hold it in for four hours" because he was too embarrassed to share the public bathrooms with women.

A San Carlos, California, man sued the Escondido Public Library for $1.5 million. His dog, a 50-pound Labrador mix, was attacked November 2000 by the library's 12-pound feline mascot, L.C., (aka Library Cat). The case was heard in January 2004, with the jury finding for the defendant. In a further case which was resolved in July 2004, the plaintiff in the previous suit was ordered to pay the city $29,362.50, which amounted to 75% of its legal fees associated with that case.

In 1994, a student at the University of Idaho unsuccessfully sued that institution over his fall from a third-floor dorm window. He'd been mooning other students when the window gave way. It was contended the University failed to provide a safe environment for students or to properly warn them of the dangers inherent to upper-story windows.

In 1993, McDonald's was unsuccessfully sued over a car accident in New Jersey. While driving, a man who had placed a milkshake between his legs, leaned over to reach into his bag of food and squeezed the milkshake container in the process. When the lid popped off and spilled half the drink in his lap, this driver became distracted and ran into another man's car. That man in turn tried to sue McDonald's for causing the accident, saying the restaurant should have cautioned the man who had hit him against eating while driving.

Although the cases cited above were all eventually dismissed, they still managed to work their way at least part of the way through our court system."

14 September

Finding the Right Words ...

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless clean, and so is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, then cringes, when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

He then notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping - Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean? I have a rose next to my bed, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! ... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'"

Broken furniture - $185.26

Hot Breakfast - $ 7.20

Red Rose bud - $ 2.00

Two Aspirins - $ .38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

Q. How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!! And do you know why? Because no one else in the house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know that the light bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the ^$#!^%$&(*(% light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!! IT'S A WONDER THAT NO ONE EVER SUFFOCATES FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!!!!!

I am sorry....What was the question?

12 September

Diary from the North of Western Australia

Nov 30th
Just moved to Port Hedland. Now this is a place that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

Dec 14th
Really heating up. Got to 36 Celsius (96 Fahrenheit) today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun-worshipper.

Dec 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with easy-care plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

Jan 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 36 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it's not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

Jan 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work; what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the old sun in a climate like this.

Jan 20th
I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kit-E-Kat and s**t. No more pets in this heat!

Jan 25th
Dry heat, my arse. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the blink, and the A/C repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

Jan 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments, and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Feb 4th
Forty degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 30. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this state.

Feb 8th
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!

Feb 10th
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: hot and sunny. It's been too hot to screw for two damn months, and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the ruddy pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.

Feb 14th
Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 44 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windscreen out of the Statesman (luxury sedan). The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Feb 30th
Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came, and all they did is make it muggier than hell. The Statesman is now floating somewhere in the Indian Ocean with its new $500 windscreen. That does it, we're moving back to Victoria for some peace and quiet.

The Geezer-Qualifying Examination

Get out a piece of paper and a pen, number from 1 to 20. No looking ahead!

1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?

a. On the floor shift knob.

b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch.

c. Next to the horn.

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?

a. Capture lightning bugs.

b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing.

c. Large salt shaker.

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?

a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk.

b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled.

c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?

a. Blackjack.

b. Gin.

c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?

a. Suntan.

b. Leg painting.

c. Wearing slacks.

6. What post-war car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?

a. Studebaker.

b. Nash Metro.

c. Tucker.

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

a. Strips of dried peanut butter.

b. Chocolate licorice bars.

c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with coloured sugar water inside.

8. How was Butch wax used?

a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up.

b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing.

c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust.

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?

a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key.

b. Woven straps that crossed the foot.

c. Long pieces of twine.

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?

a. Consider all the facts.

b. Ask Mom.

c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940s?

a. Smallpox.

b. AIDS.

c. Polio.

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey."

a. SUV.

b. Taxi.

c. Streetcar.

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?

a. Old Blue.

b. Paint.

c. Macaroni.

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?

a. Part of the game of hide and seek.

b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores.

c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?

a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring.

b. Princess Sacajawea.

c. Princess Moonshadow.

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed test were handed out in school?

a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high.

b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window.

c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure.

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?

a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum.

b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items.

c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos.

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?

a. Meatballs.

b. Dames.

c. Ammunition.

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?

a. The Ink Spots.

b. The Supremes.

c. The Esquires.

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?

a. Tony Bennett.

b. Zavier Cugat.

c. George Gershwin.

ANSWERS:

1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet coloured water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The all-male, all-black group: The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.

SCORING:

17-20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.

12-16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0-11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime.

The Stella Awards (2002)

It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella awards. The Stellas are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. Unfortunately the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonald's, the teens who allege that eating at Macdonald's has made them fat, was filed after the 2002 award voting was closed. This suit will top the 2003 awards list without question.

5th place (Tied). Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms Robertson's son.

5th place (Tied). 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.

5th place (Tied). Terrence Dickson, of Bristol Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family were on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the house owner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th place. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than he sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time, as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd place. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd place. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was trying to sneak out of the window in the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place. This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor Home. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the Freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the Freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor Home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

8 September

Wrong Question!

A time freight rear-ended a local peddler freight one night, and the ensuing investigation centered on whether or not the crew of the first train had flagged the second train sufficiently.
"Now, then," said the superintendent to the peddler's rear brakeman, "were you flagging your train that night?"

"Yes, sir," he said.

"And were you at least a half-mile from your train?" asked the super.

"Yes, sir," said the brakie.

"And did you attempt to flag the express down?" asked the super.

"Yes, sir, and they went right on past me," the brakie said.

"And did you use a red lantern?" the super asked.

"Yes, sir," the man said. "Of course."

Well, the railroad couldn't decide who was at fault, so the investigation was closed.

"You did just what I asked you to," said the conductor of the local freight to the rear brakeman after the hearing. "You told the truth. But were you nervous at all?"

"You bet!" replied the brakeman. "I was hopin' that guy wouldn't ask me if the lantern was lit!"

World's Thinnest Books

FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ....

MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

hhackman

5 September

8 Words with 2 Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female......Any part under a car's hood.

Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male........Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n

Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.

Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

Male........A source of entertainment, self-expression male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male.........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as, half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting ... and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"

Hope that put a smile on ya face dis morning.


*Fun Page #7 for 2005*
Click on the link below to view the archived Fun Pages:
2004 #1	2005 #1	2005 #2
2005 #3	2005 #4	2005 #5
	2005 #6