Roundhouse Ramblings

Fun Page #8 for 2005

Click on the link below to view the archived Fun Pages:

2004 #1

2005 #1

2005 #2

2005 #3

2005 #4

2005 #5

2005 #6

 

2005 #7

 

25 October

You Don't Really Want To Read These Jokes!

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the cereal box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

******************************************************************

WOMEN'S REVENGE:

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him."

****************************************************************************

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE):

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by
the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

****************************************************************************

MARRIAGE SEMINAR:

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over,
touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Defiance, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.

****************************************************************************

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this; yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause its sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton :-)

****************************************************************************

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

****************************************************************************

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

****************************************************************************

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

****************************************************************************

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You'll bring out
the beast in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a mouse?"

Ever Wonder Where We Are Headed? ...

  • why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

  • why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

  • why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

  • why "abbreviation" is such a long word?

  • why doctors call what they do "practice"?

  • why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98 and XP?

  • why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

  • why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

  • why there isn't mouse-flavoured cat food?

  • who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?

  • why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

  • why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

  • why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

  • why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

  • why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

  • why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

  • On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

  • On a bag of chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

  • On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

  • On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion?)

  • On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

  • On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

  • On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

  • On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

  • On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

  • On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

  • On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

  • I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

  • On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

 

22 October

Aussie Ingenuity At Its Best

"Hello, is this the police?"

"Yes, it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood, but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house.

"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, maaaaate!!!!"

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says....

"HEBREWS"
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

 

20 October

The Senator Decides

READ ALL TO SEE THE REAL MORAL OF THE STORY........

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the
entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open, and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass, with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose the place where you want to spend eternity."

She reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot; sweltering and miserable.

The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

Headlines

  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?]

  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!]

  • Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!]

  • Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

  • War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]

  • If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While [you think?!]

  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!]

  • Enfield (! London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!]

  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

  • Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]

  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!]

  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]

  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

  • Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that sign right?

================================================

In an Office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER ...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

.In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK, OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:

AFTER TEA-BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door ........ the man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning, and it is pouring rain outside!!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!", comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here - on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

 

18 October

Who's On First?

The Abbott & Costello "Who's on First" adapted to "Buying a Computer".

To fully appreciate this you have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on ...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this ...

COSTELLO PHONES TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One, and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "Office for Windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP!  Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes.  No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later ...)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START" .......

10th Anniversary

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married, Shane said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 10
years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid
and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know: why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to the ladies, I guess it does happen, and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

Wife Mart ...

A store that sells wives opens in Brisbane, where a man may go to choose a wife from among MANY women. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the women increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a wife from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building - no stopping on any lower floors. A man goes to the shopping center to find a wife.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These women have jobs. The man reads the sign and says to himself, "Well, that's better than my last girlfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up he goes.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These women have jobs, love sports, and drink beer. The man smiles to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better!" he says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good looking and do all the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the man, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more, much more, further up!" He heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good looking, do all the housework and don't gripe or complain about anything. "Hot Diggity Dog! ... How close to perfect can you get? ... But just think ... What must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor he goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 133,956,779,012 to this floor. There are no women on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that men are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping Wife Mart, and have a nice day!

 

16 October

A few short ones!!

  • Man, to Vicar: " Do you believe in sex before marriage? Vicar: "Not if it delays the service."

  • Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he was stuck in the chicken.

  • There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal in women. One of the best of these is a Mercedes Benz 500SL convertible.

  • I tried some of that aphrodisiac rhino horn. It worked; I'm really starting to fancy those rhinos now.

  • Condoms are not completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one, and he was hit by a bus.

  • Did you hear about the new 'morning after' pill for men? It changes their blood type.

  • It's been a rough day. I put on a shirt, and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. I'm terrified to go to the bathroom.

  • "Sex for an old guy is a bit like shooting pool with a rope." (George Burns)

  • "You know that look that women get when they want sex? ... No, me neither." (Drew Carey)

  • What's a man's ultimate embarrassment? ... Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.

  • My girlfriend always laughs during sex ... no matter what she's reading.

  • The three words most hated by men during sex = "Is it done yet?" The three words most hated by woman during sex = "Honey, I'm home!"

  • My girlfriend used to fake foreplay.

  • In bed, my girlfriend used to mentally dress me.

  • Mix Viagra and Prozac, and you get a guy who's ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

  • Why do women fake orgasms? ... Because they think men care.

  • What's the difference between erotic and kinky? ... Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

  • Why is it called sex? because that is easier to spell then Oooohhh ... Aaaaahhhh ... Uuuhhhhh ... Aiiiiieeeee!!

  • I wouldn't mind being the last man on earth, just to find out of all those girls were telling me the truth.

  • Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

  • A newly-wed couple didn't know the difference between Vaseline and putty. A week after their honeymoon, all their windows slid out ... which was the least of their worries.

  • I'd like to meet the guy who invented sex and find out what he's working on now.

SKI RIG FOR SALE
 

One high-powered lake cruiser. Pulls at least 6000 skiers. Only been in the water once. Heated and A/C cabin. On-board toilet and fridge. Shallow water vessel only. Must sell; fuel consumption too high for present owner. Serious inquiries only.


 

Women Over 40

This is a piece written by Andy Rooney of CBS' 60 Minutes.

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

  • A woman over 40 will not lie next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

  • If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

  • A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

  • Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

  • Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

  • A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust her guy with other women.

  • Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

  • Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

  • A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

  • Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

  • Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you're a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women over 40 are against marriage. Why? Because women over 40 realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

Hmmm. Not sure why I've put this on the Humour Page. But, anyway ... there it is.

 

13 October

God Loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business, and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and my car is next."

Lotto night comes, and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this ........... Buy a ticket."

Rules of Chocolate

  • If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

  • Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

  • The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
    The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

  • Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

  • A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

  • If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

  • If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

  • If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

  • Money talks. Chocolate sings.

  • Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

  • Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
    A. Because no one wants to quit.

  • If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control-top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

  • I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter!!!

  • Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

 

10 October

Ways To Annoy Your Co-workers

  • Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

  • Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

  • Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."

  • Send email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

  • Highlight your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

  • While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.

  • Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

  • Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

  • Every time someone asks you to do something - anything - ask them if they want fries with that.

  • Send email back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

  • Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

  • Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

  • Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

  • Send email messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that!"

  • Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today,

when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland.

Irish search-and-rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Life's Mysteries

  • Now we know the speed of light, but what's the speed of dark?

  • Whenever you drop a piece of toast, why does it always land jam side down onto the carpet? And a cat always lands on its feet. It is believed that if you strap a piece of jam toast to the back of a cat and drop the toasty feline combination from a height of three or four feet, it will hover in mid-air indefinitely one foot off the ground!

  • Why do people throw confetti at weddings now instead of rice?

  • Why do the terms 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' have the same meaning?

  • How long is a piece of string? Twice the length from one end to the middle.

  • If many hands make light work, why do too many cooks spoil the broth?

  • Why do you have to click on 'Start' to shut down Microsoft Windows?

  • Where are all the baby pigeons?

  • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

  • Does red paint on cars make them go faster?

  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

  • If cows sleep sitting down, but stand up when it rains, what happens if it rains while they are asleep?

  • When you turn on the light switch at the wall, how long does it take an individual electron to make the journey from the switch to the overhead light filament? (HINT: Don't think like Mohammed Ali's I 'm so fast, I turn off the light, and I'm in bed before it goes out!) If you want a serious answer: electrons flow at about three meters per second, but when one moves, it pushes a whole lot of others in front of it, so it takes very little time to turn on. The electrons are always there - the energy we call electricity is the fact that they're being pushed. With AC they just get pushed and then pulled rapidly, but since the wire is full of them, the presence of power at the other end is still immediate.)

  • Where do all the moths go during the day?

  • Also, why does the wind pick up speed when you spray paint or pull a sheet of iron off your house roof?

  • Why is freight transported by car called a shipment and freight transported by ship called cargo?

 

8 October

Ads That Just Did Not Work!!

Here are some real classified ads that didn't quite work!

1. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

2. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

3. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

4. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

5. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

6. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

7. Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of children.

8. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

9. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

10. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

11. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

12. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

13. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

14. For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

15. Man, honest. Will take anything.

16. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

17. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

18. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

19. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

20. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

21. Sign in a cosmetician's shop window: Complete skin, nail, and hair removal service.

PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS!

  • In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense!?)

  • In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)

  • Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

  • The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")

  • There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time ... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

  • In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but she may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

  • Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

  • In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

  • In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

  • In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

  • Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

  • Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

  • The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmm ... I won't touch THAT one!)

  • The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of ...? - did the government pay for this research??)

  • Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)

  • An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

  • And, the best for last: Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they have bad breath?)

 

4 October

A Week at the Gym - One Man's Story

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Can you identify with this guy?

Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.................

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She
took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK, as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other junk too.

Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday:
I hate that heifer Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from). The treadmill flung me off, and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today, so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the devil) will choose a gift for me that is fun ..... like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Quit Complaining about Your Job!!

Darksuckers!

For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for which they
charge a substantial rate. The recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well-known power company has led to a massive research campaign which
positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax which has been perpetrated upon the public by the power companies.

The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted light. In actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which is then transported
back to the power generation stations via wires. A more descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name is for the device is DARKSUCKER.

This white paper introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great mass;
and further, that dark is the fastest known particle in the universe. Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not suspect the truth ... that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK ... light does not really exist!

Occasionally, the Sun actually over-sucks. Under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the Sun. Scientists have long studied these 'sunspots'
and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure dark because the Sun has over-sucked dark to such an extent that some of actually leaks back into space. This leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles as they stream out into space via the black 'holes' in the surface of the Sun.

As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking
for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity ... you have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck dark at all.

A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that ,after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark
which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark
flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because of the intense heat produced.

There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs in these devices cannot handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark
storage unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced before the portable
darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a battery, you will find dense black inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage
unit.

The darksuckers on your automobile are high capacity units with great range; thus they require much larger dark storage units mounted under the hood of the
vehicle. Since there is far more dark available in the winter season, automobile dark storage units reach capacity more frequently than they do in the summer,
requiring 'recharging', or in severe cases, total replacement.

 

 

1 October

How To Make A Woman Happy

A quick refresher course for you ..... It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls,

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little for himself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

54. give the authority but never expect her to be responsible

55. give her the last word no matter what the cost to your life and limb.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget: birthdays, anniversaries and arrangements she makes.

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Show up naked.

2. Fix him something to eat.

The Great Truths

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

The Definition of SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

 

The views expressed on this page certainly do not necessarily reflect those of the NERR Administration. They are the views of the author of the particular fun item.

Contributors are named where possible. If you are the owner of an item on this page and you do not want it published here, please contact me, and it will be removed.

Some of these items are taken from the NERR forums, and some of them are not. I'll leave it to you to work out which is which - and whether that is important to you.

This page will be archived when it gets too long - and I'll define what is "too long"!