Fun Page #9 for 2005

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2005 #8

24 December

Some Notes from Thoughtful Ron

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron .... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the BR club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the backyard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way I support Julie.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, fellas, even if you use just a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other ...

Signed,
Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday 26 of May 2005. He was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II (golf club) rammed up his rear end, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

MAN DATES GAL ON INTERNET FOR SIX MONTHS -- AND IT TURNS OUT SHE'S HIS MOTHER!
Friday December 9, 2005

Yahoo Entertainment news: MARSEILLES, France - Skirt-chasing playboy Daniel Anceneaux spent weeks talking with a sensual woman on the Internet before arranging a romantic rendezvous at a remote beach - and discovering that his on-line sweetie of six months was his own mother!

"I walked out on that dark beach thinking I was going to hook up with the girl of my dreams," the rattled bachelor later admitted. "And there she was, wearing white shorts and a pink tank top, just like she'd said she would.

"But when I got close, she turned around - and we both got the shock of our lives. I mean, I didn't know what to say. All I could think was, 'Oh my God! it's Mama!' "

But the worst was yet to come. Just as the mortified mother and son realized the error of their ways, a patrolman passed by and cited them for visiting a restricted beach after dark.

"Danny and I were so flustered, we blurted out the whole story to the cop," recalled matronly mom Nicole, 52. "The policeman wrote a report, a local TV station got hold of it - and the next thing we knew, our picture and our story was all over the 6 o'clock news. "People started pointing and laughing at us on the street - and they haven't stopped laughing since."

The girl-crazy X-ray technician said he began flirting with normally strait-laced Nicole - who lives six miles away in a Marseilles suburb - while scouring the Internet for young ladies to put a little pizzazz in his life.

"Mom called herself Sweet Julietteand I called myself 'The Prince of Pleasure', and unfortunately, neither one of us had any idea who the other was," said flabbergasted Daniel. "The conversations even got a little racy a couple of times. But I really started to fall for her, because there seemed to be a sensitive side that you don't see in many girls. She sent me poems she had written and told me about her dreams and desires, and it was really very romantic. The truth is, I got to see a side of my mom I'd never seen before. I'm grateful for that."

When starry-eyed Daniel asked Sweet Juliette to send him a picture, Nicole e-mailed him a photo of a curvy, half-clad cutie she'd scanned from a men's magazine.

"The girl in the picture was so beautiful, I begged Juliette to meet me on the beach - and Mom said yes," he recalled. "Mom says she was falling for me, too, and she just wanted to meet me, even though she knew I'd be disappointed when I saw her. As for me, I figured I was going to find the girl of my dreams. I guess that's about as wrong as I've ever been."

Daniel admits he and his mother could do little but stammer and stutter around each other for days after their cyberspace exploits came to light. And his father Paul - Nicole's husband of 27 years - wasn't too happy when the story hit the news and his beer-drinking buddies made him the butt of their jokes.

"Dad was ticked for a while and he forbade Mom to talk to anybody on the Internet ever again," said embarrassed Daniel.

20 December

A New Twist On An Old Tradition

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Needless to say Santa wasn't in the best mood.

Just then the doorbell rang, and Santa went to the door expecting another problem. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree there, just to cheer Santa up.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

The Politically-Correct Christmas Party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2004
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ... please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00, to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the
Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family,
Pauline .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family, Pauline.
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange - no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money, and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men - each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross- dress - no cross-dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food; we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste
the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks!! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday. Drink, drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

18 December

The Top 18 Ways To Confuse Santa

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad - and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away, Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa".

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Does Santa Exist - The Scientific Approach

I have no idea where this joke came from.  As far as I can tell the facts are fairly accurate, but I personally don't stand behind any of them.

Is There a Santa Claus?

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer (which only Santa has ever seen.)

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One assumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that, for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh, and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second and a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull 10 times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth cruise ship.

5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

8 December

If & Why ...

• How come wrong numbers are never busy?

• Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over?"

• Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

• Does killing time damage eternity?

• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

• Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

• Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

• Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

• Daylight savings time - why are they saving it, and where do they keep it?

• Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

• Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

• Do pilots take crash-courses?

• Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

• Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

• How can there be self-help "groups?"

• How do you get off a non-stop flight?

• How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

• How many weeks are there in a light year?

• If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?

• If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

• If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

• If cats and dogs didn't have fur, would we still pet them?

• If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

• If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

• If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

• If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

• If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

• If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

• Why do the signs that say "Slow Children'' have a picture of a running child?

• Why do they call it "chilli" if it's hot?

• Why do we sing, "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called 'rush hour'?

Man's Favourite Piercing

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

4 December

A Boy & His Train

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your low-income asses in the train, cause we are going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you
are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Why Women Are Crabby!!!

Sent in by one of our many female readers:

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old, only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens  or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time, which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (if he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood, where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole, and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed nether regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall, and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die, while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels, only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now, and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30s to early 40s while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).

Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned nether regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily, and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking your socks...

Now I love being a woman, but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

Thoughts for the Year

• Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

• Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out
  of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

• There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

• Life is sexually transmitted.

• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

• Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

• Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

• Have you noticed that, since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

• All of us could take a lesson from the weather: it pays no attention to criticism.

• Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30 cents?

• In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

• Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

• AND THE #1 THOUGHT FOR THE YEAR:

You've read about all these terrorists --- most of them came to the US legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10- 15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you are two days late with a video, and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Why is the railroad angry?
Because people are always crossing it!

Why can't the engineer be electrocuted?
Because he's not a conductor!

What is a lawyer's favorite railroad?
The SOO Line.

Why is the track gauge 4' 8 1/2" ?
Because its the mean distance between the neck and ankles of damsels in distress.

Why can't a steam locomotive sit down?
Because it has a tender behind (or because it's caboose is red).

Response to passenger complaint about increased sleeping car fares:
"The berth rate has gone up since your last trip."

Why don't elephants like to ride on railways?
They hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.

How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but to no avail. He first punches a hole in the new bulb.

How many foamers does it take to change a light bulb?
No, NO!!! Not until I get a picture of the old one!!!

How many 600-volt DC subway workers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five.

Guy running to catch a train: "Can I take this train to Altoona?"
Guy standing under placard that reads 'Train to Altoona': "You can't 'take' this train anywhere - it belongs to the railroad." (or "Why would you want to? It's going there anyway.")

What is the difference between a school teacher and a steam locomotive?
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says "Choo Choo Choo!"

Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver frantically waved his hands and jumped up and down. "I'll have your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied the unruffled officer as he wrote out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is low, and you meet some of the nastiest people."

Computers - Male or Female?

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, school history, job history, ancestral lineage, DMV printout, and a current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________

HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________ If NO, please explain ____________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ________________________________ If less than your age, explain ________________________________________

Do you own a van? _____________A truck with oversized tires?___________ A waterbed? _____________A pickup with a mattress in the back?__________
A condom? _______________Pornography? ______________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? ________A tattoo?___________

(IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_________________

Church you attend ______________________________________________________

How often you attend ___________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________ priest? _______________ mother? _____________ parole officer? _______

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
_____________________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
_____________________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
_____________________________________________________________________

E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:
____________________________________________________________________

NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________

Condoms come in packages of (circle one)
A: 3
B: 6
C: 9
D: 12
E: ALL OF THE ABOVE

How do you know?_____________________________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back).

Have a nice day.

In the early 20th century, there were many coal mines in the Canadian Rockies, including some in what is now Banff National Park. On Saturday nights, many miners would ride into Banff and have a cup of tea or glass of lemonade, or just possibly, something stronger.

One Saturday, an inebriated miner missed the last train home. He wandered across to the yard, found an engine in steam, backed it out onto the main line, and drove it to his mine, stopped it, went to the bunk-house, and fell asleep.

He was charged with "theft of a locomotive" by the Canadian Pacific Railway, but he couldn't remember a thing about it.

The trial went like this:

Defense counsel: Was the engine on CPR property before my client moved it?
CPR: Yes.

Def: Was it on CPR tracks when he left it?
CPR: Yes.

Def: Did it at any time leave CPR tracks?
CPR: No.

Def: Then where is the theft?

Magistrate: Case dismissed.

NASA Device Tests High Speed Train Safety

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.

The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just three words: "Thaw the chicken".

Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub.

He turns a corner and, much to his horror, he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later, he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road, but the officer stops him mid sentence and says: "Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

Can Anyone Answer These Questions?

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say: "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

• Who was the first person to say: "See that chicken there ... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its rear end."

• Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their rear end when they ask where the bathroom is?

• Why does Goofy stand erect ,while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

• Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

• Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . .

• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

• Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
  window?

Best "Out-Of-Office" Auto-Replies

I'm tempted to use some of these when I'm on holidays!

• I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

• You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
  all.

• I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

• Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

• The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

• Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

• I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

• I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.

Beta iPod?

Logic!!

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea too, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a homosexual."

Do I Have A Problem?

• You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

• Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

• The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

• Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative!

• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

• I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

• I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected!

• The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

• There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dip-stick's.

• If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ... now THAT'S a message!

• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

• I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

• I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

• Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

• If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

• Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

 LITTLE TONY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little TONY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f***ing difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a p**s!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t**ts, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f****ing beautiful!'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f***ing business.

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.

"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You're not going to spend it on liquor, are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You're not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a model train store to improve your layout, would you?" asks the man.

"No, never," says the bum, "I don't play with trains."

The gentleman then asks the bum if he would like to come back to his house for a home-cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they're heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.

The bum asks: "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play with trains."

Warning About Cheating ...

For anyone who ever tried or thought about cheating in an exam...

At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching, that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there. They had a great time.

However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam! Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now! The professor thought it over and then agreed that they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, (which was out of 100 points) and told them to begin.

Question 1 was worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

Question 2 (for 95 points)

Which tyre?

I once had a Yr11 Physics exam, and our teacher was very cunning about it, knowing that the class lacked some motivation to study. The final question of the exam featured a map of the library:

Q20. Here is the map of our school library. Mark on the diagram where the Physics and Science books are located.

A Bit Late for Halloween, but ...

Ten top reasons "Trick or Treat" is better than sex............

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD

A Letter To Mum

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an
envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed, "Mum."

With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

"Dear Mum, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John, and he is so nice - even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion Mum, I'm pregnant, and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me, and that's now one of my dreams too.

John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone, and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15 years old now, and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Judith.

PS : Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card, which is in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Now Music

It was fun being a baby boomer ... until now. Some of the artists of the 60s/70s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate the aging baby boomers. They include:

1. Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

2. The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

3. Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

4. Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends.

5.Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

6.Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now.

7. Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

8. Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

9.Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the Grape Nuts.

10. Procol Harum - A Whiter Shade of Hair.

11. Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

12. The Temptation - Papa's Got a Brand New Kidney Stone.

13. Abba - Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

15. Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

16. Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again.

17. Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To.

And the moral of this story is ...

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken
to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough in the account?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

And my FAVOURITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

The views expressed on this page certainly do not necessarily reflect those of the NERR Administration. They are the views of the author of the particular fun item.

Contributors are named where possible. If you are the owner of an item on this page and you do not want it published here, please contact me, and it will be removed.

Some of these items are taken from the NERR forums, and some of them are not. I'll leave it to you to work out which is which - and whether that is important to you.

This page will be archived when it gets too long - and I'll define what is "too long"!