Fun Page #1 for 2006

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30 January

Men vs Women

Electric Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind this very
tavern where you leaned against the back fence, and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again, and we can do it again, for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by their walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, and the old man drops his trousers. As she
leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about forty minutes. Finally, they both
collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching, thinks, "That was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is!"

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

20 Ways To Keep Your Sanity!

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your trash can on your desk and label it "In Box".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Sexual Favours".

7. Finish all your sentences with, "In accordance with the prophecy."

8 dont use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle and play tropical sounds all day.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives - they're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . .

20. Send this E-mail to people to make them smile. It's called therapy.

bricole@sympatico.ca

26 January

The Great Australian Ghost Story

20 Things That You Didn't Know About Australia

  1
The number of helicopters in Australia has surged since John Howard became Prime Minister. From 684 in 1996, they have soared to 1196 in 2004, an increase of 75% in just eight years.

2
Australian internet subscriber on average now downloads four times as much data as two years ago. In the March 2005 quarter, 6 million subscribers downloaded 14 petabytes (14 billion megabytes) of songs, video clips, images and text. That’s 2.4 gigabytes each, up from a measly 616 megabytes two years earlier.

3
In 2002, 8% of Australians never entered a cinema. And the older you get, the less you go. Among those aged 55 to 64, 43% didn’t see a single film on the big screen that year, while 61% of those 65 and over also resisted Hollywood’s lure.

4
Australia’s road toll is one of the lowest among Western countries, with 87 deaths per million people in 2002, compared to 148 in the United States and an OECD average of 103. But we were still far above Sweden and the UK, which shared the lowest road toll at 60 deaths per million.

5
In 1954 there were 105,700 more males than females in Australia, but in 1979 the position reversed. Last year there were 122,200 more females than males.

6
With about 1/4 of world production, Australia remains the world’s largest wool producer. In 2003-04 production was 509,600 tonnes, about half 1990's level. The decline continues.

7
Education has experienced the second-lowest growth of any industry sector in the past decade, with the volume of activity growing by just 1.9% a year, less than half the national growth rate of 3.9%. Communications was the fastest growing industry with an average growth rate of 7.1%.

8
Nearly 1/4 (4.5 million) of all Australians were born overseas. In 1901 23% of Australians were born overseas, but by 1947 the proportion had plunged to just 10%.

9
Australians are marrying later. The median age for marriage is 32 for men and 29 for women. The median for first marriages is 29 for men and 28 for women. The median duration of a marriage is 12.3 years, up from 10.9 years 10 years ago.

10
About 2.8 million people (16% of the population) speak a language other than English at home. More than 200 languages are used in Australia on a daily basis, including 60 Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander languages.

11
In 2003-04, average real disposable household income was up 5% on the previous year and up 21% on 1994-95.

12
The separate house continues to be the most popular dwelling in Australia, making up almost 78% of homes.

13
Young Australians are less likely to report assault to police. Only 21% of 15-19-year-olds report assault, compared with 43% of those aged 65 and over.

14
Australia is the world’s driest continent outside Antarctica, but less than 1% of all water we use is recycled. While water re-use trebled in four years to 516 gigalitres in 2000-01, that was just 0.2% of the almost 25,000 gigalitres we used, two-thirds of it for irrigation.

15
Australians have embraced water conservation: 74% of homes have dual flush toilets, up from 64% in 2001. Reduced-flow shower heads are in 44% of households, up from 35% in 2001.

16
Greenhouse gas emissions from Australia’s energy users have increased by more than 30% since 1990, with energy industries alone increasing their emissions by 47%. But growth in Australia’s total emissions was reduced to 5% by a dramatic reduction in land clearing and an increase in forest plantations.

17
At 99%, Victoria, the ACT and South Australia have the highest rates of households that recycle in Australia. The NT has the lowest rate at 93%.

18
Climate change could mean that by 2070 the southern boundary of the Australian desert — currently at the Murray and Mallee in Victoria — could move south by another 100 kilometres.

19
The proportion of the Australian population living in Victoria has dropped to 25% from 27% in 1954. NSW now accounts for 33% of the population, down from 38%. SA is also down, 8% from 9 per cent and Tasmania’s proportion dropped from 3% to 2%. The other states all had increases.

20
Women continue to delay having children. The median age at child-bearing is 30.5 years, up from 26.9 years in 1983.

22 January

The Difference 30 Years Makes

My Piggy Bank After I Bought Petrol Yesterday

Union Shop

A dedicated Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

That's more like it!" the Union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I'd like her for the night.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

17 January

I Love My Job

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I live my boss; he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey,
And piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job is really swell;
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love the work among my peers;
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I jug it often, though it won't care.
I love each program and every file;
I'd love them more if they worked for a while.

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am;
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am!
I love this work, I love these chores;
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again.
I even love those friendly men,
Those friendly men who've come today
In clean white coats to take me away!!!

An LP album cover seen on Amazon.com

How To Cook A Turkey

Keep this one for next Thanksgiving.

Step 1: Buy a turkey.

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) or Jack Daniel's.

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven.

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens.

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.

Step 7: Turn oven the on.

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinkey.

Step 9: Turk the bastey.

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get.

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer.

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey.

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey.

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick.

Step 17: Turk the carvey.

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch.

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass, and eat out.

8 January

He Who Knows No Fear

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church - except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

A Heart-Warming Story

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race. A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around, and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less ... adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied: "I will, if those useless b****s at the hardware depot ever deliver the f****g plasterboard to us."

If Microsoft Built Cars

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.

7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids, but the packaging would be superb.

10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

11.The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

13. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

14. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

15. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.

16. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!

17. If you still ran old versions of car (i.e. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

18. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.

19. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganise the ignition for a few days before it worked.

20. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Extras:

21. Linus Torvalds would create a free car that anyone could get, but people wouldn't use it because they'd be too scared to stop using Microsoft cars.

Useless fact No 4387: If Bill Gates stashed his money in dollar bills under the mattress and then fell out of bed, it would take him 11 minutes to hit the floor.

Useless fact No 4388: If Bill Gates dropped a $20 on the floor, by the time he bend down and picked it up, he'll have earned more than the original $20. So is it worth bending down to pick it up in the first place?

No, because that $20 note would be obsolete, and you would have to buy $20 v1.1 from the Microsoft website. But having said that, you could always ask the paperclip to pass you it.

2 January

25 Signs That You Have Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favourite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6pm.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Bill Gates In Heaven

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill
overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the 'Titanic'."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and find suits on the Captain of the 'Titanic'? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?!"

"Because, we use Windows." replied Peter.

"And?!" Bill Gates prompted.

"Well, according to our records," St. Peter answered, "the 'Titanic' only crashed ONCE."

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