Humour Page #2 2006


*Fun Page #2 for 2006*
Click on the link below to view the archived Fun Pages:
2004 #1	2005 #1	2005 #2	2005 #3	2005 #4
2005 #5	2005 #6	2005 #7	2005 #8	2005 #9
		2006 #1

13 March

Bored? ... Try These

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds."

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . e-mail this to someone to make them smile and laugh. It's called therapy.

Redneck Family Tree

Many, many years ago
When I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mom.
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

A Tragedy

Prime Minister John W. Howard (leader of the government in the national parliament) was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a "tragedy."

No," said Howard "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "that's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent.

No other children volunteered.

Howard searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: "If the aircraft carrying you and Mrs Howard was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to bits, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Howard. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f...ing accident either!"

8 March

Did You Know That ... ?

1. A 1,200-pound horse eats about seven times its own weight each year.
2. A bean has more DNA per cell than a human cell.

3. A Blue Earth, Minnesota, law declares that no child under the age of twelve may talk over the telephone unless monitored by a parent.

4. A broken clock is right at least twice a day.

5. A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.

6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

7. A cat has 4 rows of whiskers, and they're used to determine if a space is too small to squeeze through.

8. A Chicago law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

9. A foetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.

10. A fingernail or toenail takes about 6 months to grow from base to tip.

11. A full moon is nine times brighter than a half moon.

12. A full-grown pumpkin has about 15 miles of roots.

13. A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a few weeks.

14. A group of crows is called a murder.

15. A healthy individual releases 3.5 oz. of gas in a single flatulent emission (a fart), or about 17 oz. in a day.

16. A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.

17. A honeybee can fly at fifteen miles per hour.

18. A human head remains conscious for about 15 to 20 seconds after it is been decapitated.

19. A jumbo jet uses 4,000 gallons of fuel to take off.

20. A man and woman in Mexico city were engaged for 67 yrs and finally married at the age of 82 yrs.

21. A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years.

22. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.

23. A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day.

24. A pig is the only animal than can get sunburned.

25. A pound of grasshoppers is three times as nutritious as a pound of beef.

26. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.

27. A scientist who weighed people immediately before and after death concluded that the human soul weighs 21 grams.

28. A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself.

29. A study of pet owners found that 66% claimed they allowed their pets to remain in the bedroom during intercourse.

30. A typical bed usually houses over 6 billion dust mites.

31. China has close to 25% of the world's population.

32. Christmas became a national holiday in the US in 1890.

33. Cows sweat through their noses.

34. Deer sleep only 5 minutes a day.

35. Despite a population of well over one billion people, there are only an estimated 250 million televisions in use in China.

36. Dogs can't decipher size. That's why little dogs are mean.

37. Cleveland law forbids you to operate a motor vehicle while sitting in another person's lap.

38. Dave Matthews relocated to the United States to avoid service in the South African Military.

39. Don't even think about having sex while in a moving ambulance in Tremonton, Utah as it is extremely illegal. Of course, a stationary ambulance is another story.

40. Dentists have recommended that toothbrushes be kept at least six feet from toilets to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

41. Dolphins can look in different directions with each eye. They can sleep with one eye open.

42. Cockroaches break wind every 15 minutes.

43. Coffee was first known in Europe as Arabian Wine.

44. Did you know that 85.3% of statistics are made up?

45. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

46. During pregnancy, the average woman's uterus expands up to five hundred times its normal size.

47. China was the first country to use paper money.

48. During the average human life, you will consume 70 assorted bugs as well as 10 spiders as you sleep.

49. Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?

50. Death Valley, California, has a point that is 280 feet below sea level.

All Partied Out!!

Men Strike Back!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth !

6 March

Are Ya Havin' A Bad Day???

Well, then, consider this..............................

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors, and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on a Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Banta Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.

At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better????

Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine, and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowances. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week, and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is so adorable any more!!!!!

1 March

The Da Vinci Code

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find, and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came
to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the
meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people
held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......

It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick'.

How Many Forum Members Does It take To Change A Light Bulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

Three to correct spelling/grammar errors.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".

Another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty-six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say: "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say: "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.

AND

One lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated and start it all over again.

25 February

Sharing is Wonderful!! ... ??

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said that they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered....

(Wait for it)

"THE TEETH."

The Exception That Proves The Rule

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks for the loan officer. She says the she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $35,000.The bank officer says that the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $325,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $35,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $35,000 and the interest, which comes to $315.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $35,000?"

The blonde replies ... "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only $315.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

...... Finally, a smart blonde joke.

Good Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

Ontario

You know that you are a true Ontarian if:

you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.

your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May.

you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year.

your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.

you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.

you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialled a wrong number.

"vacation" means going South past London for the weekend.

you measure distance in hours.

you know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

you often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and then back again.

you can drive at 110 kph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

down South to you means Windsor.

your 1st of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

you have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

you find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

Not Funny ... Just Cute

17 February

How To Cook A Turkey

Step 1: Buy a turkey.

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) or Jack Daniel's.

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven.

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens.

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.

Step 7: Turn oven the on.

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinkey.

Step 9: Turk the bastey.

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get.

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer.

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey.

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey.

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick.

Step 17: Turk the carvey.

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch.

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass, and eat out.

Christmas Fruit Cake

Ingredients:

1 cup water

2 cups dried fruit

1 cup brown sugar

1 tsp Salt

8 oz nuts

4 large eggs

1 tsp baking powder

1 bottle whiskey

Method:

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add on tsp of sugar and beat again. Make sure whiskey is still ok, cry another tup. Turn off the mixerer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl., chuck in dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck on the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriber. Sample the whiskey again for tonisistancy. Next sift 2 cups of salt or something, who cares – check the whiskey.

Next sift the lemon juice and drain your nuts. Add on table spn of sugar or something, whatever you can find. Grease the oven, turn the cake tin to 350 degC. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again.

REMEMBER THIS FOR NEXT YEAR

How To Recruit The Right Person For The Job

Step 1: Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Step 2: Send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Step 3: Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.

* If they are counting the bricks put them in the accounts department.

* If they are recounting them put them in auditing.

* If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.

* If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order put them in planning.

* If they are throwing the bricks at each other put them in operations.

* If they are sleeping put them in security.

* If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.

* If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.

* If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.

* If they have already left for the day put them in marketing.

* If they are staring out of the window, put them on strategic planning.

* And then last but not least, if they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

13 February

50 Fun Things To Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the
bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

18. When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter: "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say "Oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler: "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce: "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say: "Mmmm ... tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say: "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say: "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say: "I think it's getting larger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler: "Bad touch!"

This One's for Rich Wade!!

Two blondes are waiting on a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."

At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters: "Will it take ME?"

7 February

Having A Bad Day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into
gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an
ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her
husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled
gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into
the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown
away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance, they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They
started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild, amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two
places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the
bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

bricole@sympatico.ca

The Gripe Sheet ... plus some other things

Flight Maintenance

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

END OF GRIPE SHEET

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Interesting Facts - true or not?

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The U.S. state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%.

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400.

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander, the Great; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th - John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?

A. Obsession.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand.

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey.

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your
pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your Ps and Qs".

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

AND FINALLY - At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

...........................................................................................

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid! Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit plcae. The rset can be a taotl mses, and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

So is correct spelling really so important ??

Just Gotta Love Seniors

The letter, shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that, whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry that it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)

bricole@sympatico.ca

The views expressed on this page certainly do not necessarily reflect those of the NERR Administration. They are the views of the author of the particular fun item.

Contributors are named where possible. If you are the owner of an item on this page and you do not want it published here, please contact me, and it will be removed.

Some of these items are taken from the NERR forums, and some of them are not. I'll leave it to you to work out which is which - and whether that is important to you.

This page will be archived when it gets too long - and I'll define what is "too long"!