Well, it's not a mid life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me......

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

Now, my wife is a very reasonable woman. 

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

• Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.
  
  Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

• Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the
  babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,
  
  Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water...

• Houses had thatched roofs -thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery, and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying ...
  
  It's raining cats and dogs.

• There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a
  sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
  
  That's how canopy beds came into existence.

• The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying: Dirt poor.

• The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
  
  Hence the saying a thresh hold.
  
  (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

• In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
  
  Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

• Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and ...

chew the fat.

• Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes,
  
  so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

• Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the ...

upper crust.
 

• Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days, and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
  
  Hence the custom of holding a wake.

• England is old and small, and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realized they had been burying people alive.
  
  So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell;
  
  thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ... dead ringer.

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

So the blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee, where he spots that same young woman standing waist-deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot 'gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the 'gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "S&^%T ... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts that God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier water out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turn me down. She spits into a commode, and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but, even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

This is a story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in Florida. He was a widower, and she was a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the Club House, and the widower and widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, and spirits were high. The widower sent a few admiring glances across the table, and the widow smiled coyly back at him. Finally, he plucked up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me? "

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will. "

The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges, and they went to their respective homes. The next morning, the widower was troubled. Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'? He couldn't remember.

Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him he could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say
'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

"Why, you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will.' And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me."

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. He brings him home and puts in him the coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it ... you are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

He grabs his shotgun and ... BOOM!! He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn it ...t hird gay rooster I bought this month."

Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming.

Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"

Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"

Still nothing; his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.

Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

On a Toilet Door:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY, PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1st FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT 'N DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house, and I'll feed you."

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."

The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?"

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie; he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the
rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and say:s "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please, barman".

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, and the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.

The barman says: "I'm sorry, rabbit, old mate, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says: "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says: "Are you sure I will like it?"

The masses' bated breath is ear-shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says: "Do you think that I would let down one of
my best friends. I know you'll love it".

"OK," says the rabbit, "I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says: "Who are you?"

To which he is answered: "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".

The barman says: "I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you, and this place was famous"

The rabbit-ghost says: "Yes I know."

The barman says: "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, so you had a Cheese and Onion
one instead."

The rabbit-ghost says: "Yes, you promised me that I would love it."

The barman says: "You never came back. What happened?"

"I died," says the rabbit-ghost.

"NO!" says the barman, "What from?"

After a short pause, the rabbit-ghost says ...

"Mixin'-me-toasties".

(The last line is a play on words - there is a rabbit control disease called 'myxomatosis'.)

I have recently been diagnosed with a new form a mental stress A.A.M.D.!

Age Activated Memory Disorder ...

This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car. I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail, and I notice the rubbish bin is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the rubbish out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my chequebook? Oops, there's only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those cheques. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer. Oh, maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen, and my flowers catch my eye. They need some water. I set the coke on the counter and ... ooh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots.

Aaaaaarrrgh!

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television, so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor. I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa, and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the chequebook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!

I realize this is a serious condition, and I'll get help.

Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering Department, University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"

In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer " exam paper contained the question:

"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or similar. One student, however, wrote the following:

 
First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant. 

[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan during freshman year) that: "It'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct;

...... thus, Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"

A member of the flock snicked at the preacher's snafu, raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."

The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could
you do that, Mr. Perkins?"

The member of the flock said, "I sure could."

"How would you do it?"

"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"

********************************************************************

Several nurses on break in the Boston General cafeteria were discussing boyfriends, past and present. Suddenly, a nurse from
New York City said, "Well, I have discovered men are all alike!"

Whereupon, a pert little nurse from Dallas laughed and slapped the table. "Gal," she said, "men are all Ah like, too!"

********************************************************************

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and stops them. They show him their papers, but he thinks they are
phony. He tells them, "Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use the words liver and cheese in a sentence."

So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch."

The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he asks the second guy.

He says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

********************************************************************

An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car
round," he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it, the girl had vanished.

"Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency."

"I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."

********************************************************************

Judi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter. Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."

The librarian looks at her for a moment. Then whispers to Judi, "Ma'am, this is the library."

Judi nods. Then she *whispers*, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............

.

.

.

.

"We're down here ..."

• Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong-

• Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

• The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-

• I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber-

• Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin-

• A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow-

• Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky-

• My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck-

• Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis-

• A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome-

• The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman-

• Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited-

• Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton-

• Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-

• I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited-

• If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine-

• When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME
  slow! -Kathy Buckley-

• I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton-

• If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton-

• I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-

• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-

• Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-

• In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-

• I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem-

• I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

• Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt-

FROM A SASKATCHEWAN FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split,
fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon
when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks
so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet, and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it You don't even
load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in Port Barre shut down. But their boss said they could go to the LSU office, you know, the Louisiana State Unemployment office. So as Thibodeaux waited, Boudreaux sat down at the desk and was interviewed by the lady there.

"And what was your former occupation?" she asked.

"Me, I was a crotch stitcher. I specialized in ladies underpants." Boudreaux proudly replied.

So the lady looks it up in her big book and say, "OK, you're eligible for $50 a week."

"Hot damn, you mean I don't gotta do nothin' and I can get $50 a week. Man, that even beats crawfishin'!" Boudreaux shouted.

Then Thibodeaux sat down and the lady asked him the same question.

Thibodeaux looked her straight in the eye and said, "I was a diesel fitter."

She looked up in her big book again and said "Very good then, you're eligible for $200 a week in unemployment benefits."

"WAIT A HOT DAMN MINUTE!" Boudreaux shouted. "How come he gets $200 a week, and me, I only get $50. I told you I used to be a crotch stitcher; you know you gotta be real good to do that kind of work so the seams are all nice a straight and smooth so nothing scratches you done there. And Thibodeaux here, he's only a diesel fitter. And he's gonna make at least twice more than I'm making?"

"Oh," the lady replied, "but he's a skilled laborer with an education. Diesel fitters are in high demand especially by oilfields and heavy equipment users. There's not many diesel specialists around."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady," Boudreaux continued, "you got it all wrong. Yeah, Thibo's a diesel fitter, all right. But what that means is that after I do all the fine work on the lady drawers, he picks them up, looks 'em over and stretches them this way and that, and then says, 'Yep, dese'll fit her!'"